Sunday, January 05, 2014

The Great Divide

In my mind I’m going to Colorado, but reality is a little different.

My family’s second attempt in 7 months to visit my brother in the Centennial State was stymied this week when super freak voodoo storm Hercules flexed his snowy muscles all over the northeast and dropkicked airline schedules straight into the Underworld.

We were supposed to fly out of JFK on Thursday night just as Hercules came blasting into town.

Our first plane was rescheduled twice and by the time it was ready to go—at midnight—the roads had gotten so awful that we didn’t want to risk getting into a car, let alone a plane.

Every time I looked out the window on Thursday night and saw the raging snow I thanked God and all the saints in Heaven that we weren’t flying through that grief.

My sister did a herculean job of trying to get us another plane, but that flight was cancelled and getting yet another flight proved to be such a challenge that we agreed to scratch our trip and try again in warmer weather.

Colorado is taking on a mythic dimension in my mind, like Oz, Shangria-La, and the Lost Continent of Atlantis.

Is this place real or just the stuff of legend? Now that they just legalized marijuana in Colorado, we may never know…

I was extremely disappointed, especially since I would not be able to have the epic dance-off with my niece, Victoria, nor would I wear the gnome hat that she claims to have waiting for me.

Still, we did have a good laugh on Saturday during yet another one of our psychotic phone calls.

“I can always tell Eighties music,” she told me. “It’s got that electronic beat going on.”

I told her to check out Erasure, OMD, and the Human League to get a taste of the Eighties.

“Can you show me your I-pod so I can make fun of it?”

“I don’t have an I-pod, smartass!” I shouted.

“Then I’ll get you one and make fun of it!”

Dance Hall Days

Victoria spoke disparagingly of the Bee Gees, and while I’m not a big fan myself, they did provide the soundtrack for Saturday Night Fever.

“You have to watch that movie,” I told her, explaining the Bay Ridge connection. “It’s your heritage!”

“Then you have to watch She’s the Man,” Victoria retorted.

For those who don’t know, or, in my case, don’t freaking care, She’s the Man is a teeny-bopper regurgitation of Twelfth Night that would undoubtedly have the Bard doing somersaults in his grave.

I still don’t understand how this figures into her argument, but that’s Victoria for you.

“I’ll bet you were rocking those disco shoes back in the 70s,” Victoria said over my loud protestations. “I’ll bet you had one of those creepy policeman mustaches.”

“I had a beard,” I shouted, which wasn’t creepy in the least.

She asked if I still had my high school yearbook. I said yes and very quickly added that Hell would freeze over and Satan would be passing out ice cream sodas before I would ever show my yearbook photo to her.

“When you pass from this world can you leave me your yearbook?” this kid actually had the nerve to say.

“What?"I roared. "You're digging my grave here?"

I told Victoria I would be bringing a copy of Saturday Night Fever when I come out to see her. She said that we’d also have to watch “Full House,” which took place in San Francisco, the place where she was born.

I've got a bad feeling about this, but I actually agreed to her terms. And may God have mercy on my soul.

I know that some day I will actually visit the State of Colorado. I will walk through the Mile High City and I will make my way out to my brother’s house in Fort Collins.

And, if it’s the last thing I do, I will don a gnome hat and dance to Eighties music.


Ron said...

Oh DAMN Rob, I hadn't even thought of the weather hazard traveling thing with Hercules, in being timed with you flying out to Colorado.

" and saw the raging snow I thanked God and all the saints in Heaven that we weren’t flying through that grief."

You are absolutely right, because I would have probably freak out on that plane with all the turbulence, due to the storm.

I have never been to Colorado, but my mother had a girlfriend who she grew up with, who has a daughter who lives out there and says it's GORGEOUS. In fact, she's always inviting me out there.

Love the conversation between you and Victoria. What a great relationship you two have.

And speaking of disco, I actually had the DISCO version to the Wizard of Oz!!!!

"I know that some day I will actually visit the State of Colorado."

Yup, you sure will!

Have a super week, buddy. And be careful walking on those icy streets. I almost slipped and fell TWICE today. I think I need to buy a pair of ice skates!

Rob K said...

Hey, Ron, what's up?

Yeah, I figure we will enjoy Colorado's beauty a lot more in sunny weather. Maybe you can visit your mom's girlfriend at the same time and we can meet up!

Victoria is a piece of work and she dedicates a large part of her life to driving me insane!

I'm impressed by the Disco Wiz! I didn't know there was such a thing.

Hope you okay after your falls. I hit the deck once myself, so I know what you're talking about!

Walk safe, take care, and have a great week!

Bijoux said...

Ugh! Major sympathy on the travel plans being ruined! We took our son back to college early because we were worried about the next storm coming through now...Ion. What kind of a name is that?

My kids love to make fun of my iPod music and I don't even have that much 80's music on it. I had to laugh at you being forced to watch Full House. I think my second or third blog post ever was about Full House Hell.

Rob K said...

Hey, Bijoux!

Thanks for your sympathy. I just figured that we'll get there in the summer when the weather is much more agreeable.

Never saw "Full House" in my life and I get the feeling I'm going to regret it....

Take care!

v said...

pooh on the weather. see, this is why i hate snow. it messes up everything.

if you have to watch full house, do it on a full stomach of food and liquor. may the force be with you. ;)

hope you make it to colorado sooner rather than later and bring me back some....chocolate. yeah, that's it.

i wonder if that stuff is good for my nerves?

Rob K said...

Hey, Val,

Yes, Major Pooh on the weather. I'll be sure to have a full belly of wine for Full House.

And when I return from Colorado, I'll be carrying armloads of chocolate!

See ya!

Anonymous said...

Lol I have to say your niece sounds like such a colorful personality. If you ever do make it out to visit her you should have an entire blog post dedicated to just her! Glad you didnt fly out in the storm though, it was pretty intense. I was lucky enough to watch most of it pass from the comfort of my home but man was it a sight to see! Better to be safe!

Rob K said...

Oh, yes, she's colorful indeed! And you're right--she does deserve her own post!

Glad you were able to ride out the storm in safety!

Take care!

Jay at The Depp Effect said...

Victoria sounds a lot of fun! We don't have anyone like that in our family, more's the pity.

That storm you've been having sounds horrendous. I'm glad you didn't get on that plane! We drove to Denver from DC once and it was a great trip, but going up over the mountains with driving snow was not such fun. Beautiful, yes. Awe-inspiring, yes. But it was very lonely on that road in places, and they closed it a couple of days after we did that trip. I could easily imagine people die up there, what with phone signals being patchy and all.

Rob K said...

Hey, Jay! You guys have certainly gotten around, haven't you?

II think it's best if we make our trip in the spring or summer, when there's more daylight and less snow.

I'd like to really see where I'm going without having to worry about blizzards and ice. And you're right about Victoria--she's one of a kind!

Take care!