Sunday, October 27, 2013

Gnome of the Brave

Victoria had it all planned.

My 18-year-old niece called me from Colorado recently to tell me what I would be wearing for Halloween this year. As usual with Victoria, I have no say in the matter.

“You’re going to be a garden gnome,” she said.

Yes, that’s right, my brother Jim’s daughter didn’t see me as a pirate or one of those sexy vampire types I keep hearing about.

No, she had decided that I should go out in public dressed like some mythic subterranean creature with severe wardrobe issues.

“A gnome?” I demanded. “Are you serious?”

“Yes,” Victoria said. “All the women will love it.”

“With my luck the only thing I’ll attract will be female gnomes,” I shouted.

I should probably pause here to mention that this would be a distinct improvement over my current dating status--but I still ain’t doing it.

“No,” my niece insisted. “They’ll look at you and say, ‘wow, this guy dresses up like a gnome. There must be something to this guy.’”

Yeah, he’s a mental case!

“Why don’t I just let you take over my love life entirely?” I asked with a heavy dollop of sarcasm.

“You should,” Victoria said. “Women will think you’re so cool and then you can thank me.”

Oh, sure. There’s nothing I’d like more than having a teenager call the shots on my relationships—or the lack of them. I told Victoria she should try writing an advice column for the lovelorn.

“I would be the best Dear Abby ever,” she assured me.

Of course she would. She’d have all her readers dressing like gnomes in no time at all.

Gnome Sick

This latest conversation played out like most of my other phone chats with Victoria, with me laughing until I choke and repeatedly crying to the heavens, “what’s wrong with this kid?”

It’s hard to believe that this is the same person who once sat on my knee and laughed at all my silly routines. Now she and her cousin, Kristin, both run rings around me. And I absolutely love it.

Victoria actually wanted the entire family—including my auntie—to dress up like gnomes this year, which makes sense because, as we all know, gnome is where the heart is.

But the idea made me think of those creepy family portraits that have been polluting the web lately and I strongly suggested we skip it.

To be honest, I’m really not a big fan of Halloween. If you’re into dressing up in a costume, by all means, go forth and knock yourself out.

I’ve really enjoyed some of the creative outfits I’ve seen over the years. Honestly, I’m not an Ebenezer Weenie. It’s just not for me.

But, more importantly, I’ve been feeling lousy all week with some kind of bug that has sapped the energy out of my body like Count Dracula coming off a seven-year hunger strike.

I’ve got the chills, a stuffed head, and a severe case of the crazies. And I’m so exhausted that the only character I’ll be playing this year will be Rip Van Winkle.

However Victoria has decreed that I will dress as a gnome, Halloween or not, and she will not be deterred. Her bedroom has this forest theme going on and she tells me that when I come out to visit, I’ll have to don a gnome hat and pose for a photo.

“That’s totally happening,” she declared. “You can’t escape your fate!”

Fair enough. And, speaking of fate, Victoria has already decided upon next year’s Halloween family theme.

She wants all of us, yes, all of us, to dress up like the Village People.

Okay, so I call dibs on the Cowboy. And now it’s time to rehearse my moves: “Y-M-C-A, it’s fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A…”

12 comments:

Walaka said...

Do it!

Rob K said...

I have no choice!

Ron said...

"which makes sense because, as we all know, gnome is where the heart is."

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHA! Rob, that cracked me the hell up, man!

In fact, this whole post cracked me up. And I think it's so cute that Victoria suggested your family dress as Gnomes. Either that, or you could all paint yourselves blue and be a family of SMURFS!

Okay, and can I just tell you how FUN it was to listen to the video of The Village People singing, "Y-M-C-A!? Anytime I hear the Village People, I'm transported back to the 5 years I lived in NYC, when they had just come out. In fact, I had one of their LP's and LOVED it!

I love the photo you shared of them in this post because they were the 'original' Village People!

FAAAAAAAAAB post, buddy!

Have a spooktacular week!

P.S. btw, loved your post title!

Rob K said...

Hey, Ron, what's up?

Great idea about the Smurfs, but please don't tell my niece. She'll drown us all in blue paint!

And who doesn't love the Village People?!? They were the disco band back in the day.

Take care, buddy, and have a Happy Halloween!

Bijoux said...

Well, there might be a coolness factor to the gnome, given the love everyone seems to have for that Travelocity character.

Rob K said...

Excellent point, Bijoux!

I'll be the coolest gnome in town!

CrystalChick said...

I like the gnome idea! And the Village People would be a great group costume.
My hubby thought he'd do the 'Jake from State Farm' character this year, but I already had our costumes decided... stop by my hippie pad and check them out. haha
We don't dress up very often, maybe every few years or so someone has a party that we feel like going to. I do love Halloween though and we get a lot of trick-or-treaters in our neighborhood.

Rob K said...

Hey, Mary, I just checked out your blog. You guys look great! I felt like I was time-treaveling with you two. Forget State Farm--hippies are far out!

cestlavie22 said...


Haha this girl sounds like a riot! If the picture of you in a Gnome hat becomes a reality you need to share it. I have already pictured it in my head. For some inspiration you should pick a character from Gnomeo and Juliet and dress up like them :)

Rob K said...

Yes, she is indeed a riot, God bless her. And she's also a big fan of "Gnomeo and Juliet."

If the picture does happen, I swear on the internets that I will post it...and then leave town!

Thanks for stopping by!

Jay at The Depp Effect said...

Ha! Gnomes??? Reminds me of the time when the boys were young and we were heading down to the West Country for a holiday in my sister-in-law's caravan. The boys were into all the usual violent stuff (guns, bows and arrows, video games, space monsters etc), and my SIL could NOT understand why we wouldn't go to the Gnome theme park where we could all dress up as gnomes and do gnome tea parties and stuff. She insisted we'd have crazy amounts of fun, and we all looked at her as if SHE were crazy. OH flatly refused, and the boys looked hugely relieved.

Look on the bright side: maybe by next year Victoria will have moved on, and you can don that sexy vampire costume that I know you have hanging in your wardrobe!

Hope you get over this bug soon. That sounds no fun at all.

Rob K said...

A Gnome theme park?!? Good God in Heaven, please don't tell my niece!

I can understand why the boys were relieved when OH shot the idea down.

Thanks for the good wishes. I am starting to finally feel better.

Now who told you about the sexy vampire costume?