Sunday, November 29, 2015

Light in the Tunnel

My sister and I were leaving the Fairway in Red Hook with our Thanksgiving turkey Wednesday night when we overhead one of the employees explaining the facts of life to a co-worker.

“Everybody’s got problems, baby girl,” she declared.

I was barely listening as I had all sorts of holiday-related worries preying on my mind.

But those words are coming back to me now that the long weekend is almost over, the turkey carcass has been reduced to bare bones, and my stomach is relentlessly pushing against my belt.

This is a time of the year when we’re supposed to be grateful for all we have, and I really am so thankful for all the great people in my life.

And yet I’m thinking of this slip-up I experienced just a few days before Thanksgiving.

I was riding the subway and reading a book to pass the time while the R train crawled its way through the rush hour congestion. Or at least I was trying to read, but the lights kept switching off every time I focused on the page.

I looked down the length of the car and saw that all the other lights were working perfectly. The only defective lights were the ones over my head.

I started getting annoyed; my dark self complaining, yeah, of course, the lights would go out on my part of the train. I had half-convinced myself that the fates were deliberately futzing around with the lights just to disrupt my reading.

Insane, of course, but that’s what happens when fatigue sets in and I let my mind off the leash.

It’s All Gravy

The man directly across me wasn’t complaining about the lights. He was sitting on the train with no shoes—completely barefoot—with the temperature falling, winter just around the corner, and the holiday season underway.

He clutched a heavy walking stick and wore a set of headphones, though I didn’t see any I-Pod on his hip to provide the music. Maybe the tunes were playing in his head.

Periodically he’d pound his walking stick on the floor and glare at the other passengers as if he were about to make some great pronouncement. But he never said a word.

So here was a man with no shoes on his feet, and God only knows if he had a place to live, or anyone to share Thanksgiving with—just a few feet away from me, but I chose to feel sorry for myself and get all twisted about some blinking lights.

It’s the subway, for God’s sake, it’s a minor miracle the lights work at all.

Such a strange holiday, where we’re supposed to give thanks for all we have by eating ourselves into a stupor.

If we really wanted to show our gratitude, perhaps we should go hungry for a day, get together with our loved ones and skip the huge meal in honor of those who have no food, no homes and no shoes to wear in the winter.

Your gratitude for things increases dramatically when they're taken away from you—even for a little while.

Yes, baby girl, everybody’s got problems. But for many of us our biggest problem is choosing to stay in the dark, refusing to see how lucky we are and why we should give thanks every single day of the year.

Sunday, November 22, 2015

Tarzan of the Narrows

I stood at the bus stop on Shore Road one dark night last week with a fistful of lottery tickets and my eyes peeled for the X27.

I wouldn’t have much time to do this. When the express bus pulled in I had just a few seconds to hop on board, meet up with Mary Ellen, this wonderful lady who had called me earlier in the day, and make a most important exchange.

I was psyched, a little nervous, and quite grateful that this business was hopefully going to be settled in a few minutes.

It all started in the afternoon when I received a voice mail from a number I didn’t recognize.

“Hello, my name is Mary Ellen and I have your company ID card,” the message began. “It was wedged between the cushions of a seat on the X27.”

I was stunned. I hadn’t even noticed that my ID card was missing. I always keep it securely clipped to my belt; there’s no way it could fall off.

When I come home every night I put my phone, wallet, house keys and ID card all on in one place on the kitchen table so I can make a quick departure from my house the following morning. Clearly something had gone wrong the previous night.

I quickly called Mary back and she told me that she had tracked me down on Facebook. It was a nice bit of detective work in addition to being an act of supreme kindness.

“I didn’t want to turn it over to the bus company,” she said, “because you’d never see it again.”

Now that’s the truth with a vengeance. With all the stuff that gets hauled into the lost and found in one day, I doubt if a plastic card with my kisser on it would attract much notice.

Hey, You Never Know

I’m still amazed at Mary’s courtesy, persistence and kindness. She could’ve easily ignored my ID card or tossed it over her shoulder. Instead she made this extra effort to help out a stranger.

There really are good people in the world. It’s just that all too often their good deeds are overshadowed by the losers, the schmucks, and the hatemongers.

My horoscope had me prepared for good things. Rob Brezsny, the genius behind Free Will Astrology, said my role models in the coming weeks should be Edgar Rice Burroughs, the creator of Tarzan, and, appropriately enough, Johnny Weissmuller, the Olympic swimming champion who went on to play Tarzan in several movies.

Brezsny explained that Burroughs had failed in his attempt as a pencil sharpener salesman and took up novel writing as a way to pay the bills. Weissmuller suffered from polio as a child and rebuilt his strength by swimming.

“It's a favorable time for you to turn defeat into victory,” Brezsny wrote.

Okay then, so here’s my chance.

Mary Ellen, who works in midtown, texted me when her bus was coming up Bay Ridge Avenue and I ran out to 72nd Street to meet her. A friend had suggested that I give her lottery tickets as a small token of my appreciation and I think that was a brilliant idea.

The bus slowed down, the doors opened up, and after one passenger got off, I climbed aboard, asked the driver to wait a second, and made the exchange with Mary Ellen.

I was back out on the street seconds later, my ID card safely in my hand. I felt really cool, like I had just gotten away with something vaguely illegal. Mary Ellen had the lottery tickets, but I was the big winner here, thanks to her.

I walked quickly back to my apartment, barely able to fight the urge to swing from the trees and howl up to the sky.

Sunday, November 15, 2015

City of Dark

Last year I was speaking with my aunt about some horrific terrorist attack, and how it had sparked a nearly equally insane demand for revenge.

“Somewhere the Devil is smiling,” she said.

Oh, he sure was. And if Satan was smiling then he was must be laughing his horned head off right now at the slaughter in Paris and the wave of bloodthirsty ignorance that has followed in its wake.

The right wing propaganda machine didn’t even wait for the bodies in Paris to get cold before launching attacks on President Obama, fuming about gun rights, and repeating their cries for war, war, and more war.

Now as an eyewitness to the 9/11 attacks on the World Trade Center, I know full well the terror of radical Muslim fundamentalism.

I didn’t watch the carnage on Fox “News”, I didn’t need Rush Limbaugh to explain the situation to me, I was there, so I don’t want any flag-waving fuckhead telling me how things are supposed to work.

I hate those terrorist mother fuckers with a passion that could fuel a Saturn Five rocket. If I could destroy them all with a wave of my hand they’d be one big pile of dust. They live to kill and, believe me, I’m all in favor of their immediate and instant eradication.

However, I also know the destructive power of misguided and deceptive retaliation.

I remember how a certain Texas asshole exploited the September 11 massacre into an excuse for that disastrous war in Iraq, a quagmire that killed or maimed thousands of American soldiers, slaughtered God knows how many more innocent Iraqis, and eventually spawned ISIS, who ripped the heart out of Paris on Friday night.

Nothing happens in a vacuum and when you resort to drastic actions, you’d better be prepared for a drastic response.

Say Cheese

Do you remember that jackass Bush prancing around an aircraft carrier in a flight suit and the stupid “Mission Accomplished” banner flapping behind him? Do you remember the insurgency killing our soldiers every day of the goddamn week?

The mission wasn’t accomplished, and that’s because the mission was a stupid, ill-conceived blundering misstep into one of those most volatile locations on earth that only help to further destabilize the region.

So I get a little uneasy and rather pissed off when I hear these imbeciles demanding that we start dropping bombs and putting boots on the ground. We tried that bullshit before and it didn’t work.

The only way I’d sign off on any military action would be if we draft all the loud mouths who supported the war in Iraq, give them guns, and ship them off to the latest hotspot.

You’re so hot for war, dipshit, you can give it a try.

I don’t know what the answer is; I don’t know what we should do about these psychotic fucks who mercilessly gun down and blow up innocent people.

But I do know that starting unwinnable wars that make defense contractors rich and give cowards an excuse to pretend they’re tough guys from the safety of their homes and radio studios is exactly what we should not being doing.

The people who are pulling these attacks aren’t afraid of death. They’re suicide attackers, for fuck’s sake, so the threats and John Wayne macho man posturing don’t mean a goddamn thing to them.

That’s what makes combatting them so difficult: they’re looking forward to death, not running away from it.

The attacks will continue and we’ll probably continue dropping bombs and sending drones that will kill innocent civilians, thus helping to create even more terrorists.

And the whole time the Devil will be grinning from ear to ear.

Sunday, November 08, 2015

Rap On, Brother

It was no time to talk about politics.

I get up hideously early two days a week to lift weights and lurch my way through a 7AM boxing class at the New York Sports Club’s City Hall gym and the greeting from the young lady behind the desk--we’ll call her Kathy—is one of the few bright spots of my pre-dawn morning.

She’s quite pretty, with dyed blond hair, belly button ring, and cool little glasses that makes her look both nerdy and sexy at same time—just the right ingredients to make a geezer like yours truly get all hot and bothered.

I like to kid around with her when I sign in, and though she’s always polite, I’m getting a vibe that says something along the lines of here’s your towel, gramps, now go punch yourself in the head and have a nice day. But I might be wrong.

On Tuesday Kathy caught me off guard by diverting from the usual pleasantries.

“It’s election day,” she said.

“Oh, that’s right,” I replied, having completely forgotten. “Vote for me and I’ll set you free!”

Kathy burst out laughing upon hearing this and I could tell by the volume and enthusiasm of her reaction that she thought I had come up with this line on the spot, which I definitely had not.

I hesitated for just a half-second, savoring her joyful admiration, before confessing the truth like a good like Catholic neurotic.

“That’s not mine,” I blabbed. “That’s a line from an old song by the Temptations called ‘Ball of Confusion.’ Check YouTube.”

Kathy gave some kind of vague response and I highly doubt that she’ll research this Motown hit, but the song started playing in my head and it kept going all day long.

Written in 1970, “Ball of Confusion” was a musical commentary of the world at the time, railing about segregation, determination, demonstration, integration, aggravation, humiliation, and obligation to our nation.

The Temptations warned us that we could run, run, but we sure couldn’t hide, and how right they were.

And the Band Played On…

I don’t think it’s one of their best songs, but at the time it came out I thought it painted a depressingly accurate description of this poor planet’s condition.

Little did I know that someday I would like back fondly on the Seventies and consider that period an age of enlightened thinking in comparison with the modern medieval morass we are currently suffering through.

Fanatics didn’t crash jetliners into buildings back then. You could still count the number of mass shootings in America on one hand, the polar bears didn’t have to worry about drowning in the Artic, and people weren’t getting killed trying to take selfies.

We didn’t even have selfies back then…or cell phones…or the Internet. There was no Twitter, no Instagram or Facebook, and no blogging, so people like me had to keep journals or inflict our views upon the world one victim at a time.
Back in those days millionaires bought politicians; they didn’t become politicians. And we didn’t give tax cuts to the rich or roll back regulations for Wall Street robber barons, or at least not as much as today.

People didn’t fabricate stories about the pyramids being storage containers for grain, those who didn’t believe in evolution were rightfully regulated to the sidelines, and elected "leaders" at least tried to work together.

Upon reflection, the Seventies look pretty tame—if you just overlook Vietnam, Kent State, Richard Nixon and all that graffiti on the subways.

Old timers like to blather on about the good old days, but what bothers me is that I thought we had reached rock bottom back then, only to see now that we still had a long way to drop. I don’t want to think about what’s coming next.

I’m glad I didn’t take credit for the Temptations’ work. It was nice giving Kathy a laugh without adding plagiarism to my list of offenses.

And it so was good of her to remind me about my civic duty, because Election Day is one of the few opportunities we get to try and bring some order to this ball of confusion.

But it’s just occurred to me that I forgot to vote on Tuesday.

Great Googamooga…

Sunday, November 01, 2015

Not Responding

One of the worst things about a temper tantrum is that it feels so good when you’re middle of it.

Logic and good sense bounce off your brain like bullets hitting Superman’s chest, as you wrap yourself up in a cloak of self-righteous anger.

You are the injured party here, damn it, and you're entitled to shout, curse, and pound the desk with your shoe like Nikita Khrushchev at the UN.

It’s only when the anger wears off, when the Incredible Hulk turns back into Bruce Banner, that you realize you look rather stupid.

I had this point driven painfully home to me at work when I had a 20-megaton conniption fit over my abominably sluggish computer.

I wasn’t feeling particularly well that day, either physically or emotionally. And to be perfectly honest, my work computer is old and in chronic need of an overhaul.

It seems that no matter what command you give the damn thing, it’s first reply is to light up the message “Not Responding” at the top of screen. Eventually it’ll do what you ask, but first it has to go through its little surrender monkey dance.

Most days I can put up with this grief, but on this day I believe I was actually searching for a reason to be angry. And I found it.

It started when I tried to open up Outlook to check my morning emails and got the old “Not Responding” routine. I foolishly kept clicking on the icon, which only helped to slow things down even more.

I started cursing, under my breath at first, but then louder as the wait went on.

“This is the 21-Fucking-Century,” I grumbled, “and I still can’t get my goddamn email.”

Instead of counting to ten, going for a walk, or looking at the newspaper, I angrily attempted to launch Google Chrome and got another “Not Responding” for my trouble.

The Psycho Next Door

I fumed and swore until smoke came out of my ears. In some small distant part of my mind I could hear a voice telling me to tone it down, there are people around who can hear you. But my brain was not responding.

Good, I angrily declared, I don’t feel well, I hate this computer and anyone who doesn’t like it can drop dead.

Eventually the computer calmed down and so did I. Yes, it’s an old machine, but strangely enough freaking out didn’t make it work any better.

I was all set to put the ugly incident behind me and get on with my day when I heard two women on the other side of my cubicle having a conversation.

I could hear every word they said, which meant that they must’ve heard every foul thing I had been saying for the last five minutes.

I kept telling myself to let it go and pretend that nothing had happened. But I couldn’t. I knew something had happened—and I had been the cause of it.

I knew what I had to do, but it took me a while for me to admit it to myself. Finally, after nearly an hour, I got up, walked around to the other side of the cubicle and faced my two coworkers.

“I’m very sorry about all the noise and foul language,” I told them, feeling like a first class loser.
One of the women laughed and waved her hand.

“You sound just like my husband when he has trouble with our computer,” she said.

Oh, really, I thought, so you’re married to a lunatic like me? Poor lady…

I realized that I had never formally introduced myself to these women so if nothing else, my asinine actions had actually expanded my world a little bit and now I greet these ladies every time I see them in the office.

And it felt good to apologize, to acknowledge mistake and at least try to make amends.

I keep telling myself that I lost my temper because I wasn’t feeling well, but that’s just an excuse that will likely leave me in a rut.

I want to use my energy to change, not waste it on looking for reasons to be the same old loon.

This is the 21st-Fucking-Century, it’s high time I upgraded my mental software so that the next time I reach out to coworkers I’ll be doing it to make new friends and not to atone for my sins.

I know I’m making progress. It’s just that every now and then I’ve got this urge to pound my shoe on the desk.