On the Beach
Most Sunday mornings I hit the gym and then bounce across the street to stock up on disposable masks and a few bottles of my favorite poison, better known as diet soda.
The store owner is a very friendly Middle Eastern gentleman who always makes me feel welcome.
We were chatting about how relatively cool the weather had been lately and I mentioned that it was supposed to rain today.
“It doesn’t matter,” he replied. “It rains, it’s sunny, whatever it is, you should thank God for the day.”
I paused for a moment. Yes, that’s exactly what you do. Instead of complaining or being miserable, you give thanks for being here to see the day.
His timing was particularly important because I was still smarting from some rather unhealthy behavior.
I had gone to Rockaway Beach on Saturday with one of my Meetup groups, something I had not done in over a year thanks to the Covid-19 nightmare.
It took a while for me to actually commit to going as I did my usual self-torture routine of trying to decide if I should go or not.
I had absolutely nothing else going on that day and I’ve had so little contact with humanity outside of my family, but no matter; I turned a a simple yes or no into this monumental decision.
Out to Sea
This is fear, of course, as the comfort zone wraps its tentacles around me and tries to convince me to stay home instead of doing something new.
I finally pressed the Yes button, got up early to catch the ferry from Sunset Park, and met up with some very nice people. I even took a dip in the ocean.
Sounds good, right?
Well, not really. At one point, when I was trying to relax on the beach, I started thinking about my mistakes and poor decisions.
I should’ve been celebrating my moment in the sun—literal and figurative--but I was being pulled away by an undertow of regret. I was 100 yards from the water and I was drowning.
I have spent a lot time focusing on my anger, but I’m starting to see that regret is one of the sneakiest of toxic emotions.
Anger is loud and explosive. It kicks the front door off its hinges and screams at you. But regret is a slow burning enemy that can slide through the cracks.
If rage is a five-alarm blaze, then regret is an electrical fire that burns behind the walls undetected, doing all sorts of damage.
I have a lot of anger management techniques—some of which I actually apply from time to time—but I have been far too lenient with regret.
Just because something doesn’t explode in your face doesn’t mean it can’t hurt you.
I found an article from Psychology Today that lists several techniques about moving on from regret.
One of them is to focus on gratitude, which is what my buddy at the thrift store was talking about this morning. It’s a good place to start.
I looked out my window a few minutes ago and saw that it was raining pretty heavily.
I made sure to thank God.
Comments
Yes, and that's it Rob! Gratitude. That's how I got through the pandemic lockdown and any challenging period in my life. I have found that when I focus on the many blessings in my life, I'm able to keep a sense of "joy." Now that doesn't mean I'm in a perpetual state of "happiness", because happiness, for me anyway, is primarily circumstantial while joy is something that rises above any immediate situation. Joy is something that I can feel even when I'm not happy.
I've also noticed that gratitude creates more things to be grateful for. It seems to open my eyes.
And you're so right, regret is such a toxic emotion. Thankfully, I don't regret. Never have. I believe that every choice I made is the choice I was supposed to make. Which is why I also don't believe in mistakes. As long as I learn, there is no such thing as a "mistake."
It's all in how I perceive it.
So happy to hear that you went to the beach, buddy! LOVE that vintage black and white photo!
Have an awesome week!
Ron, thank you so much for these excellent observations.
I'm really interested in your approach to joy vs. happiness and that it's something you feel even when you're not happy.
And the idea that you don't believe in mistakes--brilliant!
So we need to get gratitude in our attitude and we'll experience joy.
I love it!
Take care, buddy, and thanks again!
Speaking of gratitude, I am grateful to you and my boy Ron for being so supportive!
Thanks so much!
While neither of these are good things, I prefer the anger to the regret. That's because anger will give way to "getting over it" but many times, we never get over the "what ifs" of regret.
Your friend gave some wise counsel because every day, no matter what the weather, that you are able to see it IS a great day. A wise friend of mine, who recently died age 95, always said something I will always remember. When asked how she was doing, her reply was "able to take nourishment."
Sometimes, the simplest words can provide the best advice.
Yes, exactly, we can "get over" anger, but the pain of the "what ifs" will continue to haunt us.
Regret presents us with the something that looks like the truth, but it's the truth painted in dark, forbidding colors.
Sorry to about your friend, but her words about being able to take nourishment are priceless.
Thanks so much for sharing those simple words.
Take care.