Spexit

Whenever my father was feeling overwhelmed by life, he’d shift into an Irish brogue and loudly declare “take me out, coach, I’ve had enough!”

Like so many of my father’s routines, I don’t know where this particular ditty came from—it might have been a line from an old TV or radio program, a song lyric, or something my dad cooked up in his head.

And since he’s gone now, the answer is most likely lost forever. But this phrase continues to resonant with me.

The most recent example was this week when I opened a letter from my cable company, Spectrum—or Sputum, as I like to call them—to learn that they were jacking up my already-outrageously-high bill to a shockingly new sum of $200 a month.

I’ve been looking at this situation logically and dispassionately for the last few days and I keep coming back to the same question:

Are you fucking kidding me?

I’ve already been suffering with the basic, no-frills, happy horseshit service from these jackals for years and now they want to charge me even more? Oh, Hell to the no.

I thought I’d nail them with the old standby, where I call and angrily declare that if they don’t find a way to lower my bill, I'll take my eyeballs elsewhere.

“We’re sorry you feel that way,” the marketing zombie told me.

What? You’re supposed to fall to your knees, beg me to say put, and yank some slightly better option out of your soulless rear end.

This was like a werewolf shrugging off a silver bullet, or Count Dracula using a Crucifix for a toothpick.

“I can’t believe this,” I said. “I’ve been with this company for years and there’s absolutely no reward for being a loyal customer.”

“We don’t have a rewards program.”

“I can see that!” I shouted. “Even my bank will toss me a calendar once a year!”

Channel Crossing

Spectrum keeps mass mailing me offers in Spanish, offering ridiculously low prices that are sure to skyrocket as soon as they reel in the next batch of suckers. So why bother retaining long-term customers?

For the last few days I’ve been wading through the various cable alternatives and, let me tell you, it’s a jungle out there.

I’m getting bombarded with options and possibilities and terminology that seems to come straight out of a NASA handbook. And I still don’t know what the hell to do.

One message board commenter made the point that you will never get a service as good as your cable company and that sounds like an effective guideline.

Every system has its good and bad points and sooner or later I will have to actually do one of the things I fear most in this world: make a decision.

Now to be honest, I watch too much television and this situation might be a kind of blessing.

I watch shows that I don’t particularly care for, I look at old TV programs that do little more than hit the nostalgia button, and then I complain when I don’t have enough time for my personal projects.

I’ve also been using the TV as a kind of electronic companion that fills my home with voices and little else. Television isn’t an answer to loneliness. It’s just camouflage.

Maybe I should be reaching out to people instead of reaching for the remote.

As far as entertainment, I have a Netflix account with a number of streaming shows that I haven’t watched yet and there’s more content on YouTube.

And I used to start my mornings with National Public Radio, so maybe I should return to that routine.

I spoke with a Spectrum operator today and she told me about a streaming service that would be a little cheaper than what I’m paying now. But it would also have less to offer.

Whatever I do, I’ll have to do it soon because I know when that first $200 bill takes its bite, I’ll hear the voice of my father shouting across the years.

Take me coach, I’ve had enough!