The Swiss Cheese Incident

I walked out of my grocery story the other night convinced I was going to make it last all week.

I had just picked up a package of Swiss cheese to satisfy some midnight munchies that had come barging into my appetite a few hours ahead of schedule.

I knew I wanted something to eat as I entered the story and while I couldn’t—or wouldn’t--name it, my subconscious mind steadily steered me through the aisles until I was standing in front of the dairy case.

And then I wanted cheese and nothing else. Seriously, chronically, and borderline homicidally—I wanted freaking cheese.

I told myself a 20-ton whopper of a lie that I would get the Swiss, have a slice or two tonight, and save the rest for my lunch over the next five days.

Oh, bitch, please. The last time I gave into my cheese cravings I tore through a pack of Polly-O mozzarella in under two hours.

Towards the end of that barbaric binge I was asking myself why I even bothered slicing the stuff. I should've just lugged the whole goddamn block over to the idiot box and woofed it down like I intended to do all along.

When was I done, and the mozzarella was finito, I looked at the empty wrapper in amazement, half-convinced that some giant invisible rodent had slipped into my crib and cleaned out my stash. But the only rat I could smell was yours truly.

Polly wanna a cracker? Oh, hell, no! Polly wants more cheese.

Yes, my friends, I’m a cheese-aholic. I always look forward to regular dinners with my aunt and sister because in addition to the lovely company, I know there will be plenty of wine and, oh, yes, cheese.

Swiss Miss

Although I pride myself on my portion control and the absence of sweets in my diet, I am completely helpless when it comes to cheese.

I used to say that I could eat cheese until I exploded, but I suspect even being blown to bits from the inside out wouldn’t slow me down if there was a way I could still eat more cheese.

But why cheese? Why does this one food torture me so? I guess we all have our weaknesses and cheese it mine.

This last time I had convinced myself that I had the problem under control. I could count off the individual slices and thus be aware when I was entering the danger zone.

I sat down in front of the tube and ate a few slices of Swiss. Then I went into the kitchen to get something to drink and figured, oh, what the hell? I’ll have a few more slices.

Things get a little fuzzy after this. All I remember is that at some point I was holding the empty package in my hand and wondering what the hell I had just done to myself.

This was supposed to last all week, remember?

God, with all that Swiss cheese inside me, it’s a wonder I didn’t climb the Brooklyn Bridge in lederhosen and yodel across the East River.

Okay, the time has come to admit that I have a problem and I have to take the appropriate steps. Clearly I can’t have this stuff in the house. I’ll just have cheese at parties and dinners and leave it at that.

That’s the only way to handle this addiction. The cheese may stand alone, but as long as I’m around, it doesn’t stand a chance.