Sunday, October 05, 2014

The Swiss Cheese Incident

I walked out of my grocery story the other night convinced I was going to make it last all week.

I had just picked up a package of Swiss cheese to satisfy some midnight munchies that had come barging into my appetite a few hours ahead of schedule.

I knew I wanted something to eat as I entered the story and while I couldn’t—or wouldn’t--name it, my subconscious mind steadily steered me through the aisles until I was standing in front of the dairy case.

And then I wanted cheese and nothing else. Seriously, chronically, and borderline homicidally—I wanted freaking cheese.

I told myself a 20-ton whopper of a lie that I would get the Swiss, have a slice or two tonight, and save the rest for my lunch over the next five days.

Oh, bitch, please. The last time I gave into my cheese cravings I tore through a pack of Polly-O mozzarella in under two hours.

Towards the end of that barbaric binge I was asking myself why I even bothered slicing the stuff. I should've just lugged the whole goddamn block over to the idiot box and woofed it down like I intended to do all along.

When was I done, and the mozzarella was finito, I looked at the empty wrapper in amazement, half-convinced that some giant invisible rodent had slipped into my crib and cleaned out my stash. But the only rat I could smell was yours truly.

Polly wanna a cracker? Oh, hell, no! Polly wants more cheese.

Yes, my friends, I’m a cheese-aholic. I always look forward to regular dinners with my aunt and sister because in addition to the lovely company, I know there will be plenty of wine and, oh, yes, cheese.

Swiss Miss

Although I pride myself on my portion control and the absence of sweets in my diet, I am completely helpless when it comes to cheese.

I used to say that I could eat cheese until I exploded, but I suspect even being blown to bits from the inside out wouldn’t slow me down if there was a way I could still eat more cheese.

But why cheese? Why does this one food torture me so? I guess we all have our weaknesses and cheese it mine.
This last time I had convinced myself that I had the problem under control. I could count off the individual slices and thus be aware when I was entering the danger zone.

I sat down in front of the tube and ate a few slices of Swiss. Then I went into the kitchen to get something to drink and figured, oh, what the hell? I’ll have a few more slices.

Things get a little fuzzy after this. All I remember is that at some point I was holding the empty package in my hand and wondering what the hell I had just done to myself.

This was supposed to last all week, remember?

God, with all that Swiss cheese inside me, it’s a wonder I didn’t climb the Brooklyn Bridge in lederhosen and yodel across the East River.

Okay, the time has come to admit that I have a problem and I have to take the appropriate steps. Clearly I can’t have this stuff in the house. I’ll just have cheese at parties and dinners and leave it at that.

That’s the only way to handle this addiction. The cheese may stand alone, but as long as I’m around, it doesn’t stand a chance.


Ron said...

"Yes, my friends, I’m a cheese-aholic."

OMG Rob, I am too!!!! I love cheese more than my own life! And it's funny you mentioned Swiss because that's one of my all-time favorites! I also love Fetta, Romano, and Asiago. I especially like harder cheeses and the ones that smell really stinky.

And I'm like you, once I start eating it I can't stop.

There is nothing more glorious than having a glass of red wine with cheese on crackers.

"Oh, bitch, please. The last time I gave into my cheese cravings I tore through a pack of Polly-O mozzarella in under two hours."

Bwhahahahhaha! Cracked me up!

GREAT post, buddy! Have a yodel of a week!

Rob K said...

Hey, Ron--you're an addict, too!

You mentioned some of my favorites, particularly Asiago! Manchego is another big time yum!

Wine, cheese and crackers--all the ingredients for a happy life. Or least you'll be so drunk and stuffed you won't want anything else!

Thanks so much for stopping by, buddy, and keep on eating that cheese!

Bijoux said...

Another addict here! There is nothing better than cheese and wine...well, maybe add some olives. My personal favorite is Vermont white cheddar. OMG....that stuff rocks!

Anonymous said...

This post is frigin hilarious! You know what cheese I am absolutely addicted to? Port Wine! Buy me a tub of that with some crackers and it is all over! Bad part is too much cheese makes my stomach not so happy. But my taste buds are always thrilled!

Rob K said...

Hey there, Shae! I love Port Wine as well!

Isn't it a shame that our taste buds and our stomachs can never agree on anything?!?

Hail to the Cheese!

Rob K said...


Yes, Vermont white cheddar! Delicious!

Gosh, I think I'm having a cheese fit! Where are the crackers?!?

bonnie said...

Mozzarella and tomato sandwich for lunch today. Hooray.

Almost said mozzarella and cheese there. Cheesian slip.

It's the blue-veined ones (Stilton, blue cheese) that I tend to get the strongest cravings for. You just can't substitute anything else for a good stinky blue!

Great post (almost said grate post, there I go again).

Rob K said...

Cheesian slip? Grate post?? You're killing me, Bonnie!

Mozzarella and tomato is a simple, but devastatingly delicious sandwich!

But I have to buy them on the outside because if I bring home the raw ingredients--the mozzarella--there will be nothing left by lunch time!

Stinky blue for you!

Stephanie Faris said...

I like cheese, but only if it's on something. Unless it's that fancy cheese you see at parties--I can eat that stuff by itself!

Rob K said...

Hey, Stephanie!

You like fancy cheese? Well, fancy that, so do I!

Cheese for all hands!

bonnie said...

don't go look at my blog today. Just don't. muahahahaaaa

Rob K said...

Now I have to look, Bonnie!

CrystalChick said...

This is my husband... exactly! He'll probably start withdrawal symptoms today because I gave him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch instead of lunchmeat and CHEESE! I did put a good handful on top of his bowl of chili for dinner last night though.

Can you even believe that I gave up dairy for awhile? NO cheese! Now, I'm back to eating it sometimes. The harder speciality cheeses are preferable. You know, for when I put out Yahtzee snacks! lol

Rob K said...

Your husband and I are cut from the same cloth.

I admire your ability to give up dairy, if only for a while. I should probably consider doing the same, but the siren song of cheese is too much for me!