Big Wheel Keeps On Turning

“This life is a master novel, written by God, and man would go crazy if he tried to understand it by reason alone. That is why I tell you to meditate more. Enlarge the magic cup of your intuition and then you will be able to hold the ocean of infinite wisdom.” --Paramahansa Yogananda

I turned 58 years old today and so many thoughts are running through my mind.

I’m thinking of the shocking passage of time, and how I’m quickly closing in on the 60 year mark.

I’m thinking about my late parents, and my grandmother, who shared a birthday with me, and how I miss them all very much.

I’m also thinking about a couple of kids I saw in Shore Road Park last weekend. (That may sound awkward, but please bear with me.)

These two boys went racing by me as I sat on a park bench. The older one was on a razor scooter and he was pulling ahead of a younger boy on a bicycle. The little guy was having a hard time with this.

“Stop doing that,” he yelled. “Stop it!”

But the older boy kept on going, leaving the younger one behind, and finally the little guy pulled over, sat on the ground and started crying.

Yes, kids cry every day and then they get over it and go back to having fun, but this incident really upset me. I felt so badly for this kid.

I wanted to tell him that it’s better to find your own way then chase after people who don’t care about you and that you shouldn’t get upset over something as trivial as a race with another kid.

But, of course, it wasn’t trivial for him. This was a terrible blow in his world and I was happy to see the boy’s father come along a few moments later to console the little guy.

Then on Friday it was my turn.

Waterworks

We got out of work early due to the Memorial Day holiday and, having failed to make any firm plans, I decided to go home.

Big mistake. As soon as I got home I realized that it wasn’t even 7 PM yet and I had pretty much tanked the evening.

I’m in kind of rough patch right now as my future is a bit overcast. I’m trying to remain positive, focus on the good things in my life, and express gratitude, but it can be very hard some days.

I was feeling out of sorts so I decided to call my aunt just to talk, but I felt so tired, so fearful, and so goddamn lonely that my voice started to crack.

“Honey…” my aunt said, anticipating the deluge.

Then I lost it, weeping and wailing like my buddy in the park. I know that a lot of this comes from concerns about what’s going to happen next, but I couldn’t seem to rein in the tears.

Finally I calmed down and assured my aunt that I was okay.

I felt guilty about unloading on her, since she’s dealing with some serious health issues, but my aunt—just like my mother--can see right through me and there’s no way I can hide my fears from her.

Now that I calm I can see really appreciate how lucky I am to have people as loving as my aunt, my sister and other friends and family, who can listen to my problems and talk me down to earth. That’s a great gift indeed.

Today I will be going to the Brooklyn Botanic Garden with my auntie and sister and then we’re heading off to Wing Hing, a fantastic Chinese restaurant, where I intend to eat everything on the menu and then menu itself.

I’m taking a day off from thinking about my problems, worries, and disappointments. This is a day for gratitude and celebration.

Like my little friend in the park, I see that sometimes the only thing you can do is pull over, sit down, and cry your eyes out.

Then you wipe away the tears, get back on your bicycle, and start pedaling.