Sunday, May 10, 2015

Love You All Up

"God could not be everywhere, and therefore he made mothers." ― Ruyard Kipling

I have this distant memory of getting into a terrible fight with somebody in my family.

I forget nearly everything about that day—whom I was fighting with, how old I was at the time, or what it was all about.

I just recall sitting on the living room couch fuming, so righteous in my anger. My mother was sitting next to me, trying to talk some sense into me—a lost cause if ever there was one.

I had decided that I was the injured party, I had been thoroughly wrong, and I demanded satisfaction—from somebody.

And then I fell completely apart, weeping and wailing while my mother put her arms around me and said, “Mommy loves you all up!”

Chronologically, I was well beyond the age when I should’ve been crying on my mother’s shoulder. Clearly my emotional state was another story.

The story comes back to me on this Mother’s Day as I work my way through a personal and professional crisis. My mother isn’t around anymore to wipe away my tears and, as my shrink tells me, “you have to become the parent as well as the child.”

Yes, that’s true, but some days I really don’t want to be.

I’ve had these terrible thoughts during my unguarded moments, when all kinds of toxic emotional sewage leaks out of my subconscious to destroy my happiness. I start thinking about my mother and how I am a disappointment to her. I never married; I never gave her grandchildren; I caused all sorts of heartache and aggravation.

It can get pretty awful if I don’t grab hold of my mind and rein in these hateful emotions. At a time when I should be showing myself some serious kindness, I’m unleashing all sorts of misery upon myself--and falsely signing my mother’s name to it.

I take some solace in the fact that I’m beginning to recognize this hideous thinking—or lack of thinking, but I want to get to a point where I don’t have these terrible thoughts in the first place.

The truth, of course, is that my mother would never tell any of us that we were a disappointment to us. She’d never complain about not having grandchildren and she wouldn’t care if we were multi-billionaires or shoveling French fries at McDonald’s.

“I just want you to be happy,” she’d tell us over and over.

And she meant it, right down to the bottom of her heart. That’s the person I want to honor and remember today, my real mother, not my subconscious mind’s twisted version of her.

I chose to remember the woman who loved us all up.

10 comments:

Ron said...

"I take some solace in the fact that I’m beginning to recognize this hideous thinking—or lack of thinking, but I want to get to a point where I don’t have these terrible thoughts in the first place."

Exactly Rob, and that takes time. So be easy on yourself.

“I just want you to be happy,” she’d tell us over and over."

And do you know what I think (or rather KNOW) what your mother sees when she looks at you?

She sees what we all see. A wonderful man with a beautifully kind heart. Who is talented, funny, smart, and special!

Have a grrrrrrreat week, buddy! And know that your mother smiles with pride when she looks down upon you!

Rob K said...

Thanks, so much, Ron. Your comments are a great thing to read on a Monday morning!

Your support and kindness have been so helpful to me. I am very lucky to have you for a friend and I want you to know I appreciate it.

Thanks again and do take care!

Bijoux said...

As a mother, I can't tell you how true it is that we just want our children to be happy. Work on being happy, Rob!

Rob K said...

Oh, thank you so much, Bijoux! God bless you and Happy Mother's Day!

Cherie Reich said...

I think it's true. Mothers want their children to be happy. And I love the sentiment of "loving you all up."

Rob K said...

Cherie, thank you so much! All our mothers want is for us to be happy!

Stephanie Faris said...

There's nothing like a mother's love and I believe it stays with us throughout our lives, even after our moms are gone.

Rob K said...

How right you are, Stephanie!

A Cuban In London said...

This is such a beautiful post. The way you open up here would have made your mother proud. Being human is a lifetime learning process, mate. We're all still students, you know? :-)

Greetings from London.

Rob K said...

Oh, thank you so much! That is so kind of you.

And I think that's a brilliant observation you made about us all being students. We're in it for life!

Take care!