Friday, January 21, 2005

"If the phone don't ring...

"...that'll be me."

I don't usually care for country music but I find this particular title fits very nicely in my relationship with Blue.

Blue*(Not Her Real Name Either)--I don't know why I'm protecting these people since they are surely not innocent--was the one I met in my movie club who was kind of a friend, though I was hoping for a lot more (sex). She sent me an email today suggesting we hook up, and adding that it might be awkward since I now know she has been dating (humping) this fellow for the last two months.

How nice. Me, I can barely get a kiss on the cheek and this other guy gets the New Year's Eve pipe job in Vermont. But, awkward?!?! Oh, perish the thought, I'm perfectly comfortable with this.

My ass. I'm not comfortable, I am miserable, angry and hurt and I don't want to see Blue ever again, goodbye, see you later, don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out.

I believe most of this is my fault, because I'm Catholic and feel everything is my fault, and because I didn't ask her outright what the deal was between us. I was hoping and hoping but not acting. So now I feel like a warm-up act, where she gets used to having a man around and then jumps in the hay with the main attraction.

Fuck, I feel like the Hunchback of Notre Ridge over here. I thought I could defrost Blue at some point down the line, but it appears the line is over the horizon and I'm on Sucker Street one more time. I don't want to tell her off in some stupid TV movie climax kind of way, despite my fantasies to the contrary (Is there anyway I can turn off this part of my brain? It's like a runaway video game up there.)

If I freak I'll just look angry and jealous (which I am) and nobody gives a rat's ass how I feel anyway. I can't do the polite English drawing room kind of thing. It hurts too much.

So I just won't respond to her e-mails or phone calls if she bothers to make them, which I doubt. I think she wants out of this thing, too, so that's how we'll play it. She won't be my girlfriend and I won't be her clown. Adios, Blue, I'll see you when I see you unless I close my eyes.

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