Charmed and Dangerous

"There’s a huge amount of freedom that comes to you when you take nothing personally.”—Don Miguel Ruiz

That was one rough night in Charm City.

I’ve never been to Baltimore and after a hellish experience I had recently, I’ll be putting off the experience indefinitely.

Fresh off my vow to shine a light on my darker emotions, I went on an emotional search and self-destroy mission last week that was so hideous I ended up behind bars.

Fortunately, this prison stretch wasn't real. It was just a bad dream, although the word “just” hardly does justice to the heinous horror show I subjected myself to the second I closed my eyes.

The madness started Tuesday evening when I attended a get-together at a restaurant in lower Manhattan.

The room started getting rather crowded and I felt that reflex anger of mine starting to kick in, so I came up with yet another coping mechanism for my psychological tool box.

It’s based on an old fire safety drill on what to do in case your clothes catch fire: Stop, Drop, and Roll.

I decided that in cases where my mind goes up in flames—when I get angry or anxious--I can repeat that phrase and put out the emotional fires before they consume me.

I was so proud of myself for coming up with this ditty that I naturally assumed all my problems were over now and forever.

Yeah, right...

I was careful not to drink, since this was a weeknight, but I did make a meal of the various appetizers like sliders, crab meat puff balls, and lots of cheese. Stuff I would normally avoid like a tax audit.

Things spun out of control shortly after I got home. I fell asleep in front of the TV and when I woke up I was in this shockingly foul mood.

I was awake but still a bit fuzzy, and all my internal fire alarms had been switched off, so I found myself getting angry at people and incidents from years gone by.

My mind was like a malfunctioning sewage treatment plant allowing all this vile crap to flow right into my here and now.

I didn’t call out to St. Jerome, I didn’t apply the white wolf lesson, I didn’t try to stay in the moment, hell, I didn’t try anything. I just jumped right into the lava pit.

This happens a lot when I nod off in front of the idiot box. It’s like my subconscious knows the locks are off the doors, the CCTV is on the fritz, and now it’s time to bust out and raise hell.

I finally stopped, dropped and my rolled my way to calmness and went to bed, thinking it was all quiet on the Freudian front.

In the Jail House Now...

Oy, did I call that one wrong.

It seems like the second I closed my eyes I was immediately immersed in one of my world-famous, wall-banging, 3-D demented nightmares.

In the dream, I was arrested for some kind of assault and sentenced to four years (!) in prison. I didn’t know the particulars of what I had done, but I do know that I was guilty—and that I was in Baltimore.

I know it was Maryland’s most populous city because I recognized the police station from the old TV show Homicide: Life on the Street.

“Oh, God,” I wailed, rattling my handcuffs. “I saw this show on TV and now I’m going there for real!”

I absolutely love Homicide, but I haven’t seen it in ages and I don’t recall reading or even thinking about the program—or Baltimore--in the last few weeks.

I hadn’t told the people at work about my impending incarceration and I was trying to come up with a way to do my stretch and somehow keep my job—an insane notion, even for me.

Eventually, praise Jesus, I woke up and realized that I wasn’t going up the river after all.

I do believe in my anger management techniques and I plan to keep applying them. But there is still too much anger in my system in the first place and that’s something I need to address as well.

I think that part of that includes reaching, or working harder, toward my achieving goals, both personal and professional.

I have to do more and fantasize less.

On Saturday night, I got a split decision as I stopped myself from freaking after waking from a boob tube nap. It took a few seconds for the stop and drop to work, but I did it.

I’m going to avoid sleeping in front of the TV from now on. If I’m that tired then I’ll go to bed.

And, just to be the safe, I’m going to stay the hell out of Baltimore.