52 Minutes

Okay, I probably could’ve handled that a little better.

Last week I got the bill for the double knee surgery I had back in December and since I had switched insurance companies in the interim, I figured I should touch base with the old outfit to see what was going on.

The price tag is sizeable to say the least and I wanted to know what was going on before bill collecting commandos kicked my door its hinges.

So, I called my old insurance company and what followed was a nearly hour-long waking nightmare that would’ve scared the screaming Jesus out of Rod Serling himself.

The experience left me shaken, exhausted, barely able to speak, and perilously close to insanity.

And I’m not exaggerating about the time: my cell phone clearly showed that 52 holy-shit-on-a-shingle minutes had burned up during the course of this telephonic fiasco.

This was the same week I reconnected on Facebook with a novelty song from 1966 called “They’re Coming to Take Me Away,” which turned out to be the perfect soundtrack for this horrible experience.

I knew I’d be bounced around a little bit at the outset and, sure enough, the first lady I spoke with once I got through the robo-voice said she had to switch me to another department—and promptly hung up me.

I angrily hit the redial button and then the torture began in earnest. I was shuffled, shoved and shunted from one incompetent imbecile to another.

At one point the horror show veered off into Stephen King country when one of these losers apparently had her headphones switched off.

“Is anyone there?” she asked repeatedly.

“I’m here!” I shrieked at my smartphone. “I’m here!

I couldn’t bear the thought of being cut off again, of having to redo the whole hideous process, and I wailed into my palm like a champion hog caller.

Where Life is Beautiful All the Time

Finally, this genius got her phone to work and promptly told me to stop shouting.

Ah, but the shouting was just beginning. This woman had mastered neither her job nor the English language and after a few minutes I started to wonder if waterboarding could be all that bad.

Now I’m not some xenophobic knuckle-dragger with a slobbering hatred for foreigners. These people were hired because corporations want to save money by not hiring American workers—savings, by the way, that we consumers never see.

But if you are going to take the road to Bali with your customer service department, the least you could do is staff it with people who can speak and understand English.


“I can’t understand you,” I told this woman. “Please put your supervisor on the phone.”

I was convinced she was going to hang up on me, but moments later a man—an American man—picked up the phone and proceeded to help me out.

He was courteous, helpful, and knowledgeable—the exact opposite of everyone else I had spoken with that day.

I was relieved, but also angry. Where the hell had he been for the last 50-odd minutes? It seems like they kept him in a glass case and broke it open only when lunatics like me called up and lost their shit.

I felt like some medieval invader fighting my way into a castle only to learn that the dude standing next to me had the key to the front door the whole time. Gadzooks and go fuck yourself, my liege.

But the biggest problem here was yours truly. Once again, I let the anger and rage take over; once again I wasted my time, energy, and health trying to berserk my way through a problem that required patience and intelligence.

I keep saying I’m going to change my evil ways and yet here I am writing another post about my latest implosion.

Of course, many alcoholics and addicts slide back into their destructive behavior and they do what they can to get back on solid ground. I’m going to treat this like a temporary setback and resume my anger management routines.

I have to do something constructive or one of these days someone will be coming to take me away.

Comments

Bijoux said…
It is SO frustrating, and I've spent that kind of time dealing with issues, though most of it is being put on hold. I get most frustrated when it's obvious they are reading from a script and not truly attempting to figure out the problem.
Ron said…
Rob, I can't believe you posted about this because I had the SAME EXACT experience happen two weeks ago with Mega Bus and trying to get a refund for a ticket that I purchased weeks ago because the freaking bus driver decided to NOT pick us up that morning because of a protest that was going on around City Hall, which was about TEN blocks from where the bus stop was. He decided that he didn't want to go AROUND the protest and find another route, so instead he just went to New York City without us. He left 13 people stranded on the street. I spend literally THREE days demanding a refund because it was THEIR fault.

"This woman had mastered neither her job nor the English language and after a few minutes I started to wonder if waterboarding could be all that bad."

Ditto! I finally got so frustrated that I hung up on the woman I was talking to and called back the next day. However, the next day I got a man who had mastered neither his job or the English language and had to go all through the whole process of repeating myself again, and again, and again.

OMG...talk about angry. I was so mad that I lost complete control and called him an "ASSHOLE" and hung up on him.

But yeah, I FINALLY got the refund.

And an ulcer. HA!

Anyway, glad to here that you finally got an English-speaking person and worked things out.

Have a FAB week, buddy!
Rob K said…
Oh, Bijoux, it's just horrible.

But we don't have much choice. I guess the best thing to do is just grit your teeth and plod through until we get answer. And an anger management class might come in handy. :)
Rob K said…
@Ron

Hey, Ron, I'm so sorry to hear about the Mega Bus experience. Sounds like a Mega pain in the butt!

What the hell is wrong that driver? Taking off without his passengers because of a protest 10 blocks away? And that misery with getting your refund sounds awful.

Why companies are cutting corners on something as valuable and important as customer service I will never understand. These people represent you, damn it! If people have a rotten experience, that's all they're think of everything they hear the company's name.

But I guess if the company is big enough, it doesn't matter.


Take care, buddy!
I'm an immigrant with English as a second language and I truly understand your frustration. Having taught all levels of English language students, sometimes I think that corporations hire the ones who scrape through basic level (pre-entry in GB) because they'll be the ones who will complain the least and be made to work the most. :-)

Greetings from London.
Rob K said…
Hey, Mario, I really think you're on to something. These people are essentially cannon fodder for angry customers.

Still I have to work on the anger management.

Take care!

Jay said…
Oh, Rob, I'm pretty sure most of us would be steaming by the end of that phone call. It is unbelievably frustrating when you get swapped from one department to the other, and also unbelievably frustrating when you have to try to talk to someone who can't speak English clearly, so it's quite understandable that you ended up losing your cool. Perhaps another way to work through this particular issue is to try to separate reasonable outbursts of anger from unreasonable outbursts? Not saying it's ever a good thing to go ape-shit on someone, but sometimes you're in a situation where almost every other human being on the planet would end up angry and frustrated.
Rob K said…
Hey, Jay, thanks for your thoughts on this.

I'm trying to develop a "battle ready" mindset before I call companies or agencies that I know will be giving me grief.

Certain outfits--tech support, government offices, and insurance companies--are pretty much guaranteed to put you through all sorts of misery. You have to be on your guard when dealing with these people.

Take care!

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