Sunday, August 06, 2017

Under My Umbrella

At least the umbrella lady was nice to me.

My identify theft woes continued this week when my bank sent me an email asking if I had authorized some yin-yang called Jorge Osoria to use my credit card, which of course I hadn’t. So, I had to dump another yet another credit card.

This latest bit of misery follows my recent run-in with cyber-cretin Ruth Dingfield, who taunted me via email and whom I would cheerfully ding with a frying pan and bury in a field of skunkweed.

The bank security woman told me that it’s probably some malware in my computer that could be reading my actual key strokes. (If that’s the case, Jorge, tell me what this says: “F-U-C-K-Y-O-U!”)

I had already done a malware search and turned up nothing, but I downloaded a new program which took nearly eight hours to review every scrap of information in my computer and do you know what it found?

Absolutely nothing. So, however these humps are getting to my account, it ain’t happening on my end.

Things got even worse on Friday when I got this feeling my checking account was a little low. And it was low for the very simple reason that some scum sucking son-of-a-bitch was taking money out of it.

Naturally I freaked and called my bank screaming like a loon. They shut down my account and refunded my money, but I don’t really see this misery ending any time soon. Clearly there’s a breach and no one seems to be able to stop it.

Now I have to go back and have all the automatic payments and deductions—like direct deposit and my credit card and cable TV bills—and set them up with the new account.

All that summer we enjoyed it...

I feel like I’m the criminal here, trying to hide what is rightfully mind, while some misbegotten mole rat with a keyboard merrily wipes his boots on my privacy.

And I feel stupid, convinced that, despite what the virus scan says, this is all somehow my fault. As a reporter, I’ve done plenty of stories about cybersecurity and now I’m the one getting nailed. It’s not a good feeling.

Which brings me back to the umbrella Iady. After all this grief, I was in pretty serious need of a kind gesture and I got it Friday as I was trying to leave my gym in the middle of a monsoon.

I thought the rain would have eased up by the time I finished my workout but I called that one wrong, too. I stood in the gym’s lobby watching the deluge while time slipped down the drain.

I had neglected to take my umbrella because I couldn’t find it and even if I could I’d be embarrassed to use it since it’s falling apart.

There’s a CVS right next store to my gym so I thought this would be a great time to finally deliver on my promise to get a new bumbershoot.

I was about to make the mad dash out the door when a cleaning lady who works at the gym told me to stop. She didn’t speak English very well, but she indicated that she would let me share her umbrella with her.

It was such a kind offer and the timing was perfect given all the online agony I was living through.

Out we went into the deluge and she laughed when she realized how short my walk actually was. But it’s not the distance, it’s the decency that counts. I thanked her profusely, entered the CVS and promptly purchased an umbrella big enough to protect the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

Now if I could only get something to keep Jorge Osoria out of my life...


Bijoux said...

Multiple hacks? That is really upsetting, Rob. I hope you are able to get to the bottom of it.

Stay dry!

Ron said...

OMG Rob, I can't believe this!?! After everything you went through with Ruth Dingfield and your emails, now THIS?!?!

Like you, I would have been furious! I mean what a pain in the ass to have to set up a new account and then change all your automatic payments and deductions.

I don't use a credit card to make purchases, only my debit card, which my biggest fear has always been that someone could hack my checking account and take all my money. I'm so paranoid that I barely make any online purchases through the automated service. I usually go through a customer service rep., but even that doesn't guarantee complete security.

"she indicated that she would let me share her umbrella with her. It was such a kind offer and the timing was perfect given all the online agony I was living through."

What a sweet human, that was so nice of her!

I hope all this cyberhacking comes to an end for you, buddy. You don't deserve this, you're a kind, honest, and good man.

Have a great week!

Jay said...

Oh dear, Rob - what a catalogue of horrors! I've heard that some ATMs are being compromised by people who insert some kind of device which reads your card and your pin number so they can clean you out. Apparently, these things are so insecure that with the right know-how and connections, you can access everyone's details through them. Sheesh!

Let's hope this run of bad luck ends right here. And three cheers for the umbrella lady!

Rob K said...

@Bijoux--thanks so much! Take care!

Rob K said...


Thanks so much for your support. I think we've been sold a bill of goods on the cyber business. Our information is nowhere near as safe as we've been told.

We all need an umbrella lady now and then!

Rob K said...


Hey, buddy, thank you so much for being in my corner on this deal--it really sucks!

I think your smart to limit your online purchases. We're just so exposed and nobody seems willing to admit. And now we're so dependent upon the internet that it's too late to go back.

Glad I have people like you and my other blogging buddies to keep me sane! (or at least close to it!)

Take care!