Brace yourself for a shock.
There were two mass shootings in America this week.
Astounding, isn’t it? Mass shootings in the USA. I still can't believe it. We're such a peace-loving people. Or is that "piece-loving"?
First, we had a deranged man shoot 12 people to death in the Washington Navy Yard.
Then 13 people were shot in Chicago after a gunman with a military-grade assault rifle opened fire on a pickup basketball game.
One of the victims in the Chicago case included a three-year-old boy, proving that you’re never too young to take a bullet.
How is this possible? I mean, it’s not like we ever had anything like this ever happened before in this country.
We never had a psychopath shoot his way into a school and mow down innocent grade-schoolers and their teachers. We never had a nutbag walk into a dark theater and start shooting into the crowd.
And we never, ever have anyone shoot up an army base…or a shopping mall…or a church…or a Sikh temple..or a college campus.
No, the attacks in Washington and Chicago were a complete surprise and we had absolutely no way of predicting anything like this would ever take place in this sweet land of liberty.
But now that they have happened, now that we have all these dead and wounded people, I feel secure in the knowledge that our political leaders will take swift, appropriate action.
I have no doubt in my mind that the people in congress will put aside their political differences and work with the president to pass more stringent gun laws so we can at least minimize the chance of this kind of thing ever happening again.
I know they will act because they care about LIFE. Not “life,” mind you, but LIFE. They say it with the block letters because that proves how much they CARE.
They're always shrieking bloody blue murder about the fate of fetuses. Surely these God-fearing patriots will show the same concern about what goes on outside the womb so we won’t suffer through the candlelight vigils, and the images of victims’ friends and families sobbing in each others’ arms.
We won’t have to hear about the decent family people whose lives were brutally and needlessly snuffed out. No, we’re going to fix all that.
Oh, yes, I sure am proud to be an American.
Honestly, I don’t know what to say anymore. All I can do is repeat what I've said for the last seven or so mass shootings: nothing will change and it'll happen again.
I'm getting numb to this insanity. Mass shootings are becoming a part of the evening news like baseball scores and weather reports.
I feel like I’m living in the middle of a vast shooting gallery. Any twisted son-of-a-bitch with a bug up his ass can blow away dozens of people and we don't do jumping jack shit about it.
For all their chest-thumping about LIFE, a lot of people in this country don’t seem to be troubled by all these DEATHS from gun violence.
Naturally, the gun lobby is trotting out the usual bumper sticker arguments about the Founding Fathers.
They’re spewing their rancid cliches about people killing people and only outlaws having guns.
They’ll blame computer games and movies, even though other countries with access to the same forms of entertainment don’t have the plague of mass shootings that we have.
They're saying it's really a mental health issue and jizzing their pants as their whores in congress gleefully slash healthcare funding.
They’re blaming everything but the guns. And they’re saying we need more guns, yes, even more guns, to protect ourselves.
That worked out so well in Michigan this week where two men literally shot each other to death in a road rage incident.
Both men had valid licenses to carry concealed weapons. And both men are now quite dead.
And the navy yard shooter may have started things off with a shotgun, but he then took a security guard's handgun to kill even more people. That doesn't really do much for the "good guy with a gun" argument.
But maybe the gun advocates are right. Maybe we should arm teachers and custodians and cab drivers and dentists and gynecologists and carpet cleaners.
Maybe we should find a way to arm fetuses so that when kids are born they can come flying out of their mothers va-jay-jays with both guns blazing.
Maybe then we’ll be safe.