Sunday, January 22, 2012

God Bless You, Miss Indelible

When I first started blogging, I decided that I would allow people to write whatever they wanted in the comments section.

I wasn’t going to silence critics and only retain the positive remarks. I wasn’t going to stifle anyone’s freedom of expression or be a cyber-nun parsing each and every word someone left behind.

Say whatever you want, I thought, it won't bother me a bit.

But then the “Cheap Viagra” ads started and I couldn’t seem to stop them. They were particularly annoying because they were often worded to appear as if a real human being has read your post.

“You’re so right,” they’ll say, or “that’s really funny,” before launching into their shtick, which, of course, involved logging on to some website and buying whatever they were peddling. (No, I didn’t and shame on you for asking.)

So now I monitor the comments and occasionally I’ll be forced to zap some bit of digital drivel to the ninth circle of Internet hell where it belongs.

Recently, though, I got a comment that was so bizarre, so monumentally twisted that “spam” doesn’t begin to describe it. This tome wasn’t computer-generated-—somebody actually sat down to write the damn thing, which I find rather frightening.

It’s a verbal freak show, a linguistic dumpster fire, a toxic collection of syllables that should be surrounded with yellow crime scene tape and hosed down by the EPA.

It’s kind of messed up.

I have no idea what this guy’s problem is and, sadly, I don’t think he does either. My original post was about my on-going back troubles and this individual chose to respond with a blazing torrent of gibberish that could peel the paint off an aircraft carrier.

And it went something like this...

You're So Wrong

'Lunatic' would be better - look forward to an eXXXplosion in the come'n year, with alla the outta-work, underpaid, lower-class families in this hardcore, whorizontal depression caused by the OWG.

They need work? Selling their flesh is maybe the only way besides praying and asking for forgiveness.

Nyah! They're too proud. See why our Mother sed only 1/4 of humanity's gonna make it??

If you delete this, the sin is on YOUR head. I'm only the prophet --- Here's what we'll have in Heaven (for the women): HEAR YE! O HEAR YE! Wanna be at my BIG-ol, kick-ass, party-hardy celebrating our resurrection for eons and eons in Heaven Above, girly?

A profusion of peace, eternal plethora of paradise, palm trees, 72ish degrees, fuzzy-navels, point-blank, passion-in-primetime, pink, picturesque-portions-we’ll-possess, delicious-and-nutritious perennial pleasures, too, without price, nor pride, without passwords, nor plastic, nor pretext.

You’re more than welcome, girl; you’re definitely invited - God’s calling you through this sinfull mortal.

Whether you respond YAY or NAY is up to you --- God only gives bawls to those who see the need for humility, Miss Indelible. God bless you.

See what I mean? There’s some kind of religious message here and a warning about Armageddon, but it’s so garbled that suddenly the end times don’t look so bad.

I’m not sure what the “girly” or the “Miss Indelible” is about as I’m pretty sure I’m a male. Or at least I was when I got up this morning.

But then it’s probably asking too much of this "sinfull mortal" to write something that makes sense. He's only the prophet to whom God has apparently given a large set of "bawls."

I did eventually delete this rant—once I got over my shock—so I guess the sin is on my head now.

God bless you, whoever the hell you are. I wish you a profusion of peace and an eternal plethora of paradise and you’re definitely invited to go comment on somebody else’s blog.


Ron said...

Rob, I LOVED this....

" He's only the prophet to whom God has apparently given a large set of "bawls."

Bwhahahahahahahaha! That was STELLAR!

*two thumbs up*

OMG...I read that comment TWICE and I still can't figure out what he was saying!?! It's totally gibberish.

As you know, I too moderate my comments and ALWAYS will. I started doing this back when I first began blogging six years ago. I love the Internet, but I will never trust it enough to leave comments open so that anyone can stop by and say anything they wish.

Fortunately, I've only had two or three nasty comments on my blog, and thank god I moderate because I would not have wanted those comments to be seen. And it's funny, because one of them had a similar 'tone' as the one you got - hell and damnation. Obviously from another country.

I know it can be extra work moderating comments, but I don't care. I'd much rather take the time to do that than allow anyone into my home. And that's how I think of my blog. It's my HOME.

GREAT post as usual, buddy!

Have a wonderful week!

Jay at The Depp Effect said...

Ahahahahaha! Yes, indeedy, one has to wonder what particular pharmaceutical product was responsible for that piece of drivel.

Are you sure there wasn't a link to some outlandish site buried in there somewhere? Or ... maybe it's one of those insidious piece of spam which are merely lifted from another blog's comments and redistributed for some reason best known to their perpetrators? Maybe there really is a Miss Infinity out there somewhere?

Anyway, thanks for reposting it. It gave me my first laugh of the day!

Rob K said...

@Ron--hey, buddy, how's it going? I love the idea of the blog being your home--exactly! And you're not going to let loon come into your house and mess it up! Take care and have a great week, my friend!

Rob K said...

Hey, Jay, what do you say?! I actually think this fellow has a website, which I briefly peeked at. I didn't want to linger out of concern that it might harm me in some way. And I'm so glad I was able to give you the first laugh of the day. Take care!!