Thursday, March 03, 2005

Classified Mad

Are you a creative, enthusiastic, team player who has tons of initiative? Can you hit the ground running, carry an intense workload, handle heavy call volume, speak seven languages and still maintain your sense of humor?

Well, good for you.

I’ve been out of work since July and after 9 months of reading classified ad copy I think I’m a little punchy. I’ve answered ad after ad, in newspapers, trade magazines, online and on the backs of buses. The result of all this effort is a handful of interviews, no job, and a non-stop headache from reading all these ridiculous ads.

It’s another language, the want ads, written for another world. A world where people love their jobs, are rewarded for working hard, earn the respect of their employers and co-workers and lead happy, productive lives. In other words, Fantasy Land.

Who writes this stuff? Who actually believes that anyone is this talented, dedicated or interested in a job? Hey, I’m out of work, I need a paycheck, let’s stop screwing around. Of course I don’t want to work here, I don’t want to associate with you or anybody else in your crummy little office, but I’m doing it for the money. Just like you.

Please save the “enthusiastic team-player” crap for those who might actually believe it, like space aliens. I already have a religion. I just need a job.

The ideal candidate will be a hungry self-starter who is willing to carry a Blackberry at all times and work some unpredictable and weekend hours.

The ideal candidate will also be mentally ill and have a masochistic streak wider than the Mississippi. A hungry self-starter sounds like some sort of rabid lawn mower and as far as carrying a Blackberry at all times and working unpredictable hours, why not clamp a monitor onto to my ankle and get it over with? The Navy SEALS don’t ask for that much and at least with them I’d get to travel.

Must have a “can-do” attitude and be willing to go the extra mile, as well as have a proven track record of timeliness.

I’ve been in the work place a long time now and I’ve got to say I’ve never met anyone with a “can do” attitude. I’ve met a lot of “no way” and “get lost” and quite a few “drop dead” attitudes, but a “can do”? Hell, no.

But I do have a proven track record of timeliness. As soon its time to quit, I make like a track star and set a record going out the door. When do I start?

Must have strong communication and interpersonal skills, team player, ability to act independently be a critical thinker, and a quick learner.

Again with the team player? Look, if you ever watched professional sports, you’d know that you don’t want a team player in the office.
That is, unless you’re really looking for hulking, steroid-crazed millionaire infants who scream obscenities, break every rule they can find, and attack the fans just to break the monotony. But I can do that if you like; after all, I’m a quick learner.

The ideal candidate must be a fast and prolific writer and used to quick turnarounds and meeting deadlines.

Oh, please. An employer’s ideal candidate is a soulless android who puts up with all kinds of misery, never complains, never eats or sleeps and doesn’t want money. An ideal candidate pays you to work.

As far as quick turnarounds and meeting deadlines, when I have to meet a deadline, I quickly turnaround and run like hell. Where's my office?

Must be able translate complicated medical jargon into clear, lucid text geared towards the average reader.

Hey, stupid, you’re sick! Go to a doctor!

Speak Chinese…dig trenches…bob for piranhas…eat gerbils…eat a team of gerbils…with a can-do attitude…

Enough already. I’ll do it. Whatever it is, I’ll do it and be creative, work sweat shop hours, and show enough initiative to power the Reading Railroad. Just give me the damn job.

But I’m not joining any team…


Calamity Jen said...

You should be getting paid to write stuff like THAT, my friend. It's so sad and so funny and so true.

Rob K said...

Oh, Jen, thanks so much.