Squirreled Away

Okay, now this one wasn’t my fault—honestly.

Like many people I spend too much time on social media, particularly Facebook.

I know there are other things I should be doing, but it’s fun—and much too easy--to check in with my friends and family and see what they’re up to.

I’ve stayed in touch with other people who normally might have dropped out of my life—or reconnected with folks I haven’t seen in years.

I met a whole crew of “cousins” from the U.K. and another one in Arizona, thanks to Facebook.

On the dark side, you can get into serious disagreements with people, stir up a lot of hostility and have nothing to show for it, except wasted time and elevated blood pressure.

Politics is probably the most volatile online issue, and the last presidential administration has been a factor in many of my Facebook farewells.

But I’ve been trying to tone down my political activity; that’s why I didn’t mention that orange-skinned prick’s name even though I hate him with a passion.

And then last Sunday another topic came boiling up in my face and ended with my unfriending someone with extreme prejudice.

This was extremely disappointing, since she seemed like a nice person…until she got her freak on.

And what was the crucial, all-important topic that sparked this raucous rift?

Squirrels.

Yes, you read that right: squirrels--Tamiasciurus hudsonicus--were the cause of this internet breakup.

Now, I’ve got nothing against squirrels. Unlike a lot of homeowners, I love the furry little bastards.

Hokey Smokes!

They help remind urban dwellers like me that nature still exists, despite our best efforts to wipe it out. And I’ll take them to mice and rats any day of the week.

I like to put up photos on Facebook and a lot of my posts include shots of stray cats and squirrels.

They often skedaddle the second they see yours truly stalking them with an I-phone, so it’s fun and challenging to track them down and get decent photos.

I tend to get the best animal shots in the morning during my rather lengthy walk to the gym because most normal people are in bed while the various urban critters are out in the world.

Now there’s this woman, we’ll call her Agnes--although there are a lot of other things I’d like to call her—who recently sent me a friend request through a mutual buddy and which I happily accepted.

You can never have too many friends, right? Well, maybe not.

While most of my friends seem to enjoy my cat and squirrel photos, Agnes did not.

She complained that I should be feeding the animals that I photographed. I didn’t think she was serious, so I didn’t much attention to her comments.

Last Sunday, I was passing Fort Hamilton High School—a major squirrel hangout—and took what I consider to be an excellent photo of one of these curly tailed characters sitting atop a fence.

It was cool, if I say so myself. This guy was looking right at me from high on the fence with a brilliant blue sky behind him. I couldn’t wait to post the image on Facebook.

Little did I know…

This was the same day I was doing a reading with most excellent writing class. I love these people and we always have a good time during these Zoom get-togethers.

I was tuning into the video conference when—ego alert--I thought I’d check in on Facebook and see how many people like my squirrel shot.

Aw, Nuts…

And that’s when I saw that Agnes had left two massive messages complaining about my failure to feed stray animals.

She accused me of somehow stealing from them, which made absolutely made no sense. I couldn’t believe how incensed she was—over a squirrel photo.

I was stealing from them, she said, by not give them food.

“Thanks for the lecture,” I responded. “But I don’t normally carry bags of animal feed with me.”

I was really upset but I was determined not to let this nutty affair wreck my reading. I had rehearsed my selection for weeks and I wasn’t going to let someone I had never met in the real world ruin my work.

And that’s the part that really gets me. I never met Agnes outside of the internet. We never crossed paths and yet she was giving me royal reaming about rodents.

She’s also flat out wrong, as most animal experts advise against feeding animals in the wild as they tend to give up their foraging skills in lieu of handouts. And in the city discarded food can attract rats.

And even if she were right, her approach was completely unacceptable.

I knew I couldn’t be friends with Agnes. Who needs all this aggravation every time I put up a photo? Someone so unstable isn’t worth salvaging.

My only regret here—except for friending Agnes in the first place—was the obnoxious au revoir I gave her as I dropkicked her out of my life.

“You’re way out of line,” I wrote. “It’s just a goddamn squirrel picture. Get a life!”

Yeah, I wish I hadn't said that. It’s such a hackneyed line, for starters, and I don’t like polluting the universe with any more negativity.

One of my sister’s friends terminates hostile situations by simply saying “I’m sorry you feel that way” and I’ll bear that in mind for future confrontations.

The reading went very well, and it reminded me the importance of having real friends instead of Facebook fruitcakes.

Yesterday I took a photo of a neighborhood stray named Momma which I intend to post in the near future.

I hope she had her lunch.