Spam On It
Hey, boys and girls, according to the clock on the wall, it’s time for another look through the old spam mailbag.
Every so often I like to bring the lunatic fringe out to center stage and try in vain to make some sense of all the gratuitous gibberish.
These robo-comments are stuck onto the nether regions of the blogosphere the world over like barnacles on the bottom of an oil tanker.
They peddle various products and services while actually pretending to give a rat’s ass about my ravings as they dump their messages on unsuspecting posts like a team of over-fed Clydesdales.
So, when I wrote a post about my local massage service back in 2014, Chassiday felt compelled to tell me about “the pretty queens from Pakistan” who are “extremely the fantastic call girls in Dubai.”
“Dubaikik (?) bring the charm and luxriousness girls from all over the Pakistan in Dubai,” the comment continues. “If you are a true fan of Pakistani hot girls and are looking to appoint one of your desirable Pakistani escorts in Dubai than you are at the accurate place.”
I’m sure Pakistani hot girls are very nice, but I wouldn’t really classify myself as a “true fan”-- no offense to all those Pakistani hot girls out there.
This organization assures me that their “well-educated employees short list hot girls that suits under the authentic prerequisite of our customers and then recommend making them optional.”
I’m not sure what any of that means, but I do hope the well-educated staff is at least better educated than the person who wrote that line. The Pakistani hot girls shouldn’t have to work with dimwits.
“Call Mr. Kumar for booking this girl??” the comment asks.
You’re asking me? This is your comment—shouldn’t you know?
Spam comments tend to be short and vague so they can be attached to as many posts as possible.
In 2012, I wrote about the terrible back trouble I was having, which moved Anonymous to boldly declare that “I think this is among the most important information for me.”
'Eternal Plethora of Paradise'
“And I’m glad reading your article,” Anonymous continued. “But should remark on some general things, The site style is perfect, the articles is really great. Good job, cheers Also visit my website…”
Thank you, Anonymous, but I’ll have to skip your website because Kold Kadavr flatliner also commented on this very same post—what the hell is it about my back trouble that gets trolls so bent out of shape?
I believe I’ve written about Kold Kadavr flatliner before, though I think he, she, or it used a different nom d’crazy.
Kold Kadvr, who sounds like a reak hot mess, warns me to “look forward to an eXXXplosion in the comin year, with alla the outta-work, underpaid, lower-class families in this hardcore, whorizontal depression caused by the OWG. (Old white guy)”
“They need work?” he asks. “Selling their flesh is maybe the only way besides praying and asking for forgiveness. Nyah! They’re too proud. See why our Mother sed only 1/4 of humanity is gonna make it?? If you delete this, the sin is on YOUR head. I’m only the prophet.”
Kold Kadvr really starts to heat up, sending this OWG right into a hardcore, whorizontal depression and thinking about abandoning the Internet.
“Wanna be at my BIG-ol, kick-ass, party-hardy celebrating our resurrection for eons and eons in Heaven Above, girly?” Kold Kadvr asks.
Oh, yeah, this guy. He stopped by once before, called me “girly,” and still hasn’t gotten my gender straight. And he left a creepily similar comment the last time, only this one is a bit shorter, suggesting that he's cutting down his output or the men in the white coats finally broke down his door.
“A profusion of peace, eternal plethora of paradise, palm trees, 72ish degrees, fuzzy-navels, point-blank, passion-in-primetime, pink, picturesque-portions-we’ll-possess, delicious-and-nutritious perennial pleasures, too, without price, nor pride, without passwords, nor plastic, nor pretext,” Kold Kadvr tells me. “You’re more than welcome, girl; you’re definitely invited.”
I’m tempted to call the preceding missive a word salad, but salads are supposed to be good for you and this adjectival assault is giving me a monstrous migraine.
But, thank you, Mr. Flatliner, I would love to attend your BIG-ol, kick-ass, party-hardy and I certainly appreciate your kind offer of A profusion of peace, eternal plethora of paradise, palm trees, 72ish degrees, fuzzy-navels and all the rest of that stuff, but I have to call Mr. Kumar for a date with some hot Pakistani girls.
I’m glad you read my article, but I should remark on some general things…like leave me the hell alone.
I deleted all these comments this morning, so the sin is on my head, girly. Or what's left of it.
Every so often I like to bring the lunatic fringe out to center stage and try in vain to make some sense of all the gratuitous gibberish.
These robo-comments are stuck onto the nether regions of the blogosphere the world over like barnacles on the bottom of an oil tanker.
They peddle various products and services while actually pretending to give a rat’s ass about my ravings as they dump their messages on unsuspecting posts like a team of over-fed Clydesdales.
So, when I wrote a post about my local massage service back in 2014, Chassiday felt compelled to tell me about “the pretty queens from Pakistan” who are “extremely the fantastic call girls in Dubai.”
“Dubaikik (?) bring the charm and luxriousness girls from all over the Pakistan in Dubai,” the comment continues. “If you are a true fan of Pakistani hot girls and are looking to appoint one of your desirable Pakistani escorts in Dubai than you are at the accurate place.”
I’m sure Pakistani hot girls are very nice, but I wouldn’t really classify myself as a “true fan”-- no offense to all those Pakistani hot girls out there.
This organization assures me that their “well-educated employees short list hot girls that suits under the authentic prerequisite of our customers and then recommend making them optional.”
I’m not sure what any of that means, but I do hope the well-educated staff is at least better educated than the person who wrote that line. The Pakistani hot girls shouldn’t have to work with dimwits.
“Call Mr. Kumar for booking this girl??” the comment asks.
You’re asking me? This is your comment—shouldn’t you know?
Spam comments tend to be short and vague so they can be attached to as many posts as possible.
In 2012, I wrote about the terrible back trouble I was having, which moved Anonymous to boldly declare that “I think this is among the most important information for me.”
'Eternal Plethora of Paradise'
“And I’m glad reading your article,” Anonymous continued. “But should remark on some general things, The site style is perfect, the articles is really great. Good job, cheers Also visit my website…”
Thank you, Anonymous, but I’ll have to skip your website because Kold Kadavr flatliner also commented on this very same post—what the hell is it about my back trouble that gets trolls so bent out of shape?
I believe I’ve written about Kold Kadavr flatliner before, though I think he, she, or it used a different nom d’crazy.
Kold Kadvr, who sounds like a reak hot mess, warns me to “look forward to an eXXXplosion in the comin year, with alla the outta-work, underpaid, lower-class families in this hardcore, whorizontal depression caused by the OWG. (Old white guy)”
“They need work?” he asks. “Selling their flesh is maybe the only way besides praying and asking for forgiveness. Nyah! They’re too proud. See why our Mother sed only 1/4 of humanity is gonna make it?? If you delete this, the sin is on YOUR head. I’m only the prophet.”
Kold Kadvr really starts to heat up, sending this OWG right into a hardcore, whorizontal depression and thinking about abandoning the Internet.
“Wanna be at my BIG-ol, kick-ass, party-hardy celebrating our resurrection for eons and eons in Heaven Above, girly?” Kold Kadvr asks.
Oh, yeah, this guy. He stopped by once before, called me “girly,” and still hasn’t gotten my gender straight. And he left a creepily similar comment the last time, only this one is a bit shorter, suggesting that he's cutting down his output or the men in the white coats finally broke down his door.
“A profusion of peace, eternal plethora of paradise, palm trees, 72ish degrees, fuzzy-navels, point-blank, passion-in-primetime, pink, picturesque-portions-we’ll-possess, delicious-and-nutritious perennial pleasures, too, without price, nor pride, without passwords, nor plastic, nor pretext,” Kold Kadvr tells me. “You’re more than welcome, girl; you’re definitely invited.”
I’m tempted to call the preceding missive a word salad, but salads are supposed to be good for you and this adjectival assault is giving me a monstrous migraine.
But, thank you, Mr. Flatliner, I would love to attend your BIG-ol, kick-ass, party-hardy and I certainly appreciate your kind offer of A profusion of peace, eternal plethora of paradise, palm trees, 72ish degrees, fuzzy-navels and all the rest of that stuff, but I have to call Mr. Kumar for a date with some hot Pakistani girls.
I’m glad you read my article, but I should remark on some general things…like leave me the hell alone.
I deleted all these comments this morning, so the sin is on my head, girly. Or what's left of it.
Comments
Yeah, I get the wackiest spam comments. Thank God I can adjust my blog to filter these freaks out.
Who is is the loser who hates American women? He sounds like a real bonehead. And an annual visit? Where he is for the rest of the year? Better yet, I don't want to know.
For some reason (and I'm very grateful for that reason) I haven't gotten a lot of spam over the past couple of years. Gmail does an awesome job capturing it and placing it in my Spam Box. Every so often I'll see 1-2 emails in the box, but I don't even open them to see what they say, I just delete them. I also don't get them on my blog because Disqus filters them out brilliantly before I ever see them. I think the last time I ever saw a spam comment on blog was YEARS ago. I also have my comment settings to automatically close comments on every post that I publish after 60 days, so that spammers can't leave links on my archive posts. I love using Disqus.
Years ago though, I used to get a ton of spam, much like the ones you've gotten. Those, and also the ones that asked for my bank information so that they could deposit $50,000 into my account. LOL!
Have a super week, buddy!
Blogger does a decent job of blocking the spam. I just like to get through the comments sometimes before I give them the deep six.
Hotmail has been slipping up lately, as I've been getting some first rate crapola in my regular email inbox. Must fix!
Take care, buddy!