On Borrowed Time

-
Many years ago, I had this dream where my brother Peter died.

I was in my late teens or early twenties at the time and the strange thing about the dream was that even though Peter was dead, he had somehow been given a few more hours of life.

I was the only one in the family who knew what was going on and I remember sitting at the dining room table across from Peter while we both cried because we knew he’d soon be leaving us forever.

It’s been so long now that I can’t begin to recall any incident that might have triggered this dream or why he had been given that lease on life.

I tried writing a play about the dream, but I don’t think I ever got beyond a first draft.

Peter died back in May, and I still feel this terrible gap in my life. I’ll see a story on the news or watch a TV show or movie, and I still have the urge to tell him all about it—until I realize he’s not here.

I think the dream came back to me after my brother’s widow sent some photos of Peter.

There’s a picture of the New York Rangers on the ice for some kind of awards presentation. Peter was a huge hockey fan, and I suspect he took this shot from his seat in the stands.

And there’s also some photos from one of his old company’s events that includes a large group picture, a candid shot of Peter speaking with some of his co-workers, and one of him posing with two co-workers.

Day of the Dead

Looking at those photos, there just doesn’t seem to be any logical reason for Peter to be gone. And yet he’s no longer with us.

Today is Día de los Muertos, the Day of the Dead, a Mexican holiday celebrated on November 1st and 2nd. The first day honors deceased children, while the second pays respects to the adults who have left this world.

The observance falls during the Christian period of Allhallowtide, the Western Christian season encompassing the triduum of Halloween, All Saints' Day and All Souls' Day.

The Día de los Muertos celebrations can take a humorous tone, as people remember amusing events and anecdotes about the departed.

My niece—Peter’s daughter—prepared this wonderful tribute to Peter, which included his wedding photo and pictures of them together at various times in their lives.

I feel so badly for her, as she will have to endure the Curse of the Firsts—the various holidays—birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas—for the first time since her father died.

I remembered how painful it was for me to go through those days after my mother passed, when it seems everybody else in the world is just so goddamn happy while your heart is breaking.

There’s no magic formula for dealing with this pain. You just have to face it, but I’ll be there for her every step of the way.

And I’m thinking now that I may make another attempt at writing that play. It’ll be different now that’s Peter’s gone, but maybe it’ll help me deal with my own Curse of the Firsts.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

‘Permanently Closed’

-
Image
And, so, another local landmark is gone. My sister and I passed by O’Sullivan’s Bar & Grill in Bay Ridge last night during our after-dinner walk and saw nothing but darkness. There were no lights shining from this old Irish saloon that the O’Sullivan family took over in 1934. There were no customers outside taking a cigarette break on Third Avenue; no voices, music or laughter emenating from the corner business on 89th Street. A dark bar on a Saturday night only means one thing, but I didn’t want to accept the grim reality. I had to walk up to the front door, grab hold of the handle and pull back. But the place was locked up tight. This morning I jumped on the Internet in hopes of learning that the owners were on vacation, or that they were renovating the place and would be reopening in grand style any day now. But the bar’s Yelp page was branded with two grisly words at the top: “Permanently Closed.” I’ve been searching around local message boards for any ind...
Read more

The Bystander Effect

-
Image
Winston Moseley knew no one would stop him. “I knew they wouldn't do anything,” he told police after his arrest. “They never do.” Moseley murdered Kitty Genovese in Queens in 1964 in one of the most infamous murder cases in modern times. The horrific crime gained worldwide attention largely because of a New York Times article that said “38 respectable, law-abiding citizens” did nothing while Moseley attacked Kitty Genovese on three separate occasions. The story sparked worldwide condemnation and provided material for writers and composers, including the Phil Ochs song “ Outside of a Small Circle Friends .” There was talk of the Bystander Effect or the Genovese Effect and the words “I didn’t want to get involved” summed up life in the big city. The Kitty Genovese case is the subject of a new documentary called The Witness that explores the mythology surrounding the murder. The film features Kitty’s brother, Bill, who was 16 years old at the time of his sister’s murder. ...
Read more

Awe Shucks

-
Image
I had just left my house this morning for my hike to the gym, when I saw a woman walking her dog. She was standing by a garden while her doggie took care of business. I was also set to walk around her when she turned toward me. “Have you ever stopped here and smelled the grapes?” she asked. Grapes? I didn’t even know there were grapes growing in this garden, never mind smelled them. She stood aside, whereupon I stepped up, took a deep breath and got a pleasant whiff of vitis larusca . “That’s nice,” I said. “I’ve heard of stop and smell the roses, but you can also stop and smell the grapes.” We laughed, I wished her a good day, and I continued to the gym. I’ve been trying all sorts of positive techniques to improve my rather dark disposition, and I recently came across the concept of the awe walk. This is where you shift your attention outward during a walk to notice and appreciate the wonder and beauty in the world. This can be found in nature, art, or acts of kin...
Read more