Traveling in the Dark

In 1968, Doris Day starred in a movie called Where Were You When the Lights Went Out?

The film, which I’ve never seen, is set in New York City during the Northeast blackout that had taken place three years earlier.

Based on a 1956 French play called Monsieur Masure, the movie also starred Patrick O’Neal, Robert Morse and Terry-Thomas.

I had this vague memory of the ’65 blackout where I was walking down my street and getting this feeling that something was terribly wrong.

While we didn’t lose power in my neighborhood, the blackout cut off all TV transmissions and I recall being so bummed because I couldn’t watch “F Troop.”

Gregory Peck starred in a 1965 thriller called Mirage that opened with a blackout in New York. The film, which was pretty good, was directed by Edward Dmytryk and also starred Walter Matthau, Kevin McCarthy, George Kennedy and Diana Baker.

New York had a blackout in 1977 that was marked by widespread looting and vandalism—quite until the Doris Day event 12 years earlier. Time magazine ran a cover story with the headline “Blackout ’77: Once More, With Looting.”

The city was hit with another blackout in 2003, which called up disturbing memories of September 11 as people struggled to get home amid the chaos.

I was working at Goldman Sachs at the time and the building had its owner generators, which prompted several workers to spend the night in the building rather than struggling half the night to make it home to Long Island or Westchester.

With the subways out of commission, the ferries were jammed, and I didn’t make back it to Brooklyn until nighttime. Walking home from the ferry landing, I saw some guys gathered around a fire in a trash can and I thoguht how primitive they looked.

The next day was my late mother’s birthday, and we attended a mass in her honor where the priest, who was from Africa, told us that blackouts happened all the time in his country.

Now all this talk of blackouts was sparked—sorry about that-- by a rather disturbing dream I had last week.

I hesitate to use the word “nightmare” because I prefer to use that term to describe that hellacious barn burning delusions that have blasted me out of my sleep like 20 sticks of dynamite.

This event was a lowkey fright fest and, days later, it’s still sticking with me.

So, in the dream I’m in my gym hitting on the heavy bag when the lights suddenly go out.

And I mean out—as in a complete absence of light. I didn’t want to move for fear of tripping over something and breaking my neck.

I called out for someone to put the lights back on but there was no one around. I was completely alone.

Mystic Crystal Revelation

There were no hockey-masked wearing boogie man chasing me around a summer camp with a machete. This was total isolation, like a sensory deprivation tank.

The next thing I remember I was outside on an overcast morning. I was relieved to be free of the darkness, but I was upset because I hadn’t finished my work out and I had to get to my job.

And then I woke up.

Now comes the investigation, where I try to figure out why the hell my subconscious mind decided to go down that particular dark alley.

Feeling trapped and isolated are certainly common fears, but I’m not sure what had happened in my waking life to trigger this nocturnal delusion.

I had, or, rather, created a couple rough days at work where I freaked over minor computer glitches and delays in putting my stories together.

I’ve got millions of excuses for this abysmal behavior and I currently going with post-vacation blues and fatigue from getting back to the gym.

In other words, bullshit.

Nothing is going change if I keep avoiding responsibility for my outbursts. I know I can’t correct a lifetime of unhealthy behavior overnight, but a key element of the healing process is taking responsibility when you miss the mark.

I’ve got a million or so anger management techniques and they’re good as far as they go, but it’s hard to stop that runaway train of fury once it builds up momentum. And it's been running a long time.

One of my favorite routines is my Mental Health Hit Parade, where I sing a few notes from positive songs to derail my madness.

I’ve got tunes like Frank Sinatra’s “Nothing but The Best,” The Beatles’ “All You Need is Love,” and “You Gotta Have Heart” from the show Damn Yankees.

My latest addition is “Let the Sun Shine In” (The Flesh Failures)” from the musical Hair, which the Fifth Dimension worked up into a medley with “The Age of Aquarius” for a monster hit in 1969.

The recording reportedly came about after 5th Dimension lead singer Billy Davis Jr. left his wallet in a New York City cab, and it was found by a man involved in the production of Hair who invited the group to see the show.

I use it to drive out the persistent darkness in my mind that takes me all sorts of places I’d rather not see.

And if the song doesn’t do the trick, I’m going for Doris Day’s greatest hits.

Que Sera, Sera, anyone...?