Nuts to You

I had to ask.

It’s cold in New York right now, cold as a bastard, to be honest, and car owners of a certain generation might be familiar with the expression “dead as Kelsey’s nuts.”

I was speaking with my brother Saturday morning while walking face-first into a freezing wind and he reminded me how our father loved to use that colorful phrase, which means something is done for, kaput and out of commission.

After speaking with my brother, I recalled how Dad had dropped that line on me one time in the Eighties after he’d gone out to start up my old Toyota Corolla, which had given up the ghost in our garage.

“It’s as dead as Kelsey’s nuts,” he said upon walking into the kitchen.

I was too angry and upset about my lifeless car to ask him where the hell he had gotten such a weird expression.

This was one of many phrases my parents used to say that hark back to an earlier time, such as “another job well done by your Treasury men in action,” which my father liked to say, and which apparently came from an old TV show.

And then there was “hotter than a two-dollar toaster,” a reference to old timey toasters that were dangerously hot because they were so cheap.

If I recall correctly, the toaster line meant something was hot in a good way, like being on a hot streak.

But what about Kelsey’s nuts? Who was this Kelsey guy? What happened to his nuts? And what does Mrs. Kelsey have to say about all this?

To find out the answers to those first two burning questions, I googled on over to the internets and found that John Kelsey was indeed a real person who was big in the early days of the auto industry.

Tight, mean and hot

Encouraged by car legend Henry Ford, he opened the Kelsey Wheel Company in 1910. He started off with wooden wheels and then moved into the wire-spoke and steel varieties.

Although references to Kelsey’s nuts appeared in the 1930s, the line seemed to pick up steam in the 1950s, when people said “tighter than Kelsey’s nuts” to accuse someone of being stingy or mean.

Another version was “as safe as Kelsey’s nuts,” meaning you had nothing to worry about.

But it didn't end there.

One chat room contributor claimed the line was actually “deader than Kelso’s nuts,” referring to the champion racehorse.

Most observers disagree with this version, though one commentator noted that Kelso had been gelded, which would certainly address the dead nuts issue rather succinctly.

Then I came across a 2011 post from a blog called “Still a Brooklyn Kid”, which also investigated this issue, proving I'm not the only one obsessed with Kelsey.

The post added another possibility to the mix in the form of song called “Hot Nuts,” which was recorded in 1933 by the Williams Washboard Band with Ted Tinsley.

“Kelsey's Nuts are sweetest, sweetest nuts in town,” the chorus says. “Kelsey's Nuts are neatest when toasted crisp and brown; some say they're best when cold, but I'll say they're not, so try a couple of Kelsey's Nuts and try 'em when they're hot!"

Apparently, the singer likes his nuts hotter than a $2 toaster.

So, after all this I’m still not sure where “dead as Kelsey’s nuts” comes from, but I like it and I’m going to keep on using it because I want to keep my parents’ old-time lingo alive.

And that’s another job well done by your Treasury men in action.