Most Happy Fella

“Life is like eating artichokes, you have got to go through so much to get so little.” ― Thomas A. Dorgan

You know things are bad when you make Geraldo Rivera upset.

Pat Cooper was one of my favorite comedians when I was growing up. Born Pasquale Caputo in Brooklyn, my hometown, Cooper based his act on his experiences growing up in an Italian family.

My siblings and I were all half-Italian, so we thought he was funny, and I have such fond memories of seeing him on The Ed Sullivan Show.

“I got a genuine Italian mother — four feet eleven,” he said in one of his bits. “She has a bun over here, knitting needle over here, gold tooth over here, mole over here.”

He joked about being an outcast in school, noting that while other kids had peanut butter and jelly sandwiches his mother gave him an artichoke for lunch, so he had to put the leaves between his teeth to pull off the good stuff.

“Look at that kid, he’s eating flowers!” his classmates said.

I distinctly remember my Italian grandmother doing that very thing with artichokes, so I got a kick out of that bit.

I doubt if I’d enjoy his act today. His jokes would be dated, for one thing, and I’m more sensitive to Italian American stereotypes now than I was back when Ed Sullivan owned Sunday night.

Pat Cooper died earlier this month at the age of 93 and his obituary showed me a side of this comedian I had never seen before.

It seems that he was a very angry man who fought with just everybody in show business and made a second career out of burning his bridges.

This started with his childhood and the family he would later mock in his act.

“I think I broke a record in my neighborhood — I think I must have run away 14 times,” he said. “People don’t run away from good homes.”

He accused Paul Anka of never saying hello when they did more than 50 shows together and then firing him for bringing it up.

Out of the Closet

Then there was Frank Sinatra, who asked Cooper to remove a joke from his set to which Cooper said “Hey, Frank, do I tell you what songs to sing?”

Sinatra fired him.

The Daily Beastdevoted an article to his decades-long feud with Howard Stern, which kept flaring up over the years like a brushfire.

Oh, yeah; he also reportedly said Ed Sullivan was “one of the most boring, untalented men on the planet.”

He became estranged from his parents and siblings, then from his first wife and his children. He said they could not stand his success.

“The only way I can beat them, I made fun of them,” he said.

His son wrote a tell-all book about his poor relationship with his father and appeared on the talk show Geraldo in 1990 and Cooper called in.

“Let me tell you something, I don’t have to be your father, you’re not that thrilling,” Cooper said. “And I don’t want to be your father.”

“Pat, enough, enough,” Rivera said. “You’re upsetting me even.”

Yes, that’s right. The guy who opened Al Capone’s vault on live TV and claimed to be on “hallowed ground” in Afghanistan when he was actually 300 miles away, couldn’t handle Pat Cooper’s vitriol.

The son tried to reconcile with his father over the years, but struck out.

“He said, ‘Well, now I want’ — what’s it? — ‘closure,’” Cooper said. “I said, ‘Well, then get a closet.’”

There’s an old saying that says you should never meet your heroes. You may want to skip reading their obits, too.

I find it amazing that such a talented, successful man could be so hostile even after hitting the big time. I suppose his anger provided the fuel for his jokes, but he didn’t seem able--or willinng--to switch it off.

Maybe rage and resentment was the only way he could express himself.

Well, at least I have fond memories of The Ed Sullivan Show. Pat, this artichoke’s for you.