Ask Me No Questions

Does the Fifth Amendment apply to dating?

It can get pretty lonely out here in Covid-land. I rarely go out and when I do, I don’t go far.

There are days when I never lay eyes on another human being.

I would like to have a significant other, but I'm a little nervous about meeting strangers due to the pandemic.

Where does one go when so many places are shut down?

And while many restaurants are serving people outside, that’s not going to last much longer as winter sets in.

But being alone isn’t very appealing either and I don’t want to use the coronavirus as yet another excuse not to meet people.

I recently began corresponding with a womam I “met” on Facebook’s dating site and we seemed to be getting along pretty well. And then I suggested we speak on the phone.

“A few questions first,” she replied, and proceed to unleash a slew of queries that made me feel like I was applying for a job at a nuclear power plant:

Do you smoke cigarettes, vape, cigars or marijuana? Do you take any illegal drugs? Do you have tattoos? Have you ever been arrested?

Okay, let me just step in here and say no, no, no, and no. And now back to the Inquisition:

Do you drink alcohol? How much do you drink and how often? How many times a week do you go to bars normally?

Are You Now or Have You Ever Been…?

Prior to the pandemic, I drank occasionally and rarely went to bars. But something about these questions makes me want to go on a five-day Prosecco binge.

Let’s continue, shall we?

What type of relationship are you looking for? How long do you expect it to last? What is the longest intimate relationship you’ve ever had? Have you ever been married? Are you divorced or widowed? What kind of sports activities do participate in (not watch)? Do you like or dislike Trump?

These seem like reasonable questions, except for that one about how long do I expect the relationship to last.

Do I like a freaking fortune teller?

But there was something about this blitzkrieg interrogation that I found rather off-putting. Sure, you’d like to know all these things about someone, but I think people should talk to each other.

The nice lady from the Census Bureau didn’t ask me so many questions and she gets paid to mind everybody’s business. (I wonder if she’s single…?)

And this woman seemed to have the questions all ready to go, like she was handing out a form at the doctor’s office.

Nobody likes to get burned on a relationship, but all the questions in the world aren’t going to prevent that.

People can give the right answers, check all the boxes, brush after every meal, and still go full-tilt looney on you.

This is dating, not calculus.

On Friday night I walked by a local restaurant and I saw a couple seated outside eating their dinner inside a large plastic bubble.

It looked weird, but that’s the age we’re in, and, unlike me, at least they were trying to get out into the world.

So, I’m going to make another attempt of escaping my own bubble. Just don’t ask me so many damn questions.