Sunday, March 03, 2013

Stalk of the Town

Once upon a time I thought Hollywood didn’t know jack about fairy tales.

You’re talking to someone who suffered through “Snow White and the Huntsman” and stared in dyspeptic disbelief at the commercials for the extraordinary rendition of “Hansel and Gretel.”

Jack the Giant Slayer,” which debuted as this weekend’s top film, continues the trend of updating fairy tales.

I won’t comment on a film I haven’t seen, but earlier attempts at modernizing these classics only managed to magically turn our most beloved children’s stories into stinking heaps of dragon dung.

To be fair, there are respectable names attached to “Jack the Giant Slayer.” The movie is directed by Bryan Singer, the filmmaker who gave us “The Usual Suspects,” one of my all-time favorites, and the cast includes Ewan McGregor, Stanley Tucci, Ian McShane, and Bill Nighy.

That's several tons of talent right there and I hope the film uses them well.

The Village Voice said this new jack movie has “a sure sense of pacing and knows when to make a graceful exit.” However, the New York Daily News declared that the film was “big and loud and so bland it kinda feels like we’ve been sold a bill of goods.”

I used to think that fairy tales didn’t need to be modernized, updated, rebooted, reinterpreted or reinvented. Leave them the hell alone, I always thought. They’ve been around so long for a reason.

Here’s an idea: write something original. Shakespeare based several of his plays on earlier works, but he had one huge advantage over today’s screenwriters—he was Shakespeare.

Who's Been Shooting With My Gun?

But after looking at all the money being spent on these cranked up classics, I’ve decided I deserve my own pot of gold.

I’m going to tap into my inner ogre, cast my own spurious spell over “Goldilocks and the Three Bears” and give this tired old tale a reboot right in the keester.

Ladies, gentlemen, and elves, I give you “Goldie—Locked and Loaded.”

In this version, adorable little Goldilocks has been mutated into Goldie, a gun-toting kung fu expert with an obnoxious knack for breaking into houses, a strong hankering for porridge, and a serious case of narcolepsy.

Goldie will go toe-to-paw with a clan of bad news bears who ate her parents and turned her into an avenging orphan.

The climax will be a stunning splatter fest with Goldie displaying both her marksmanship and her martial arts skills.

See Goldie jump through the air in slow motion while firing two .45s. Watch in amazement as all three bears pull the same stunt. Shake your head in disgust when, despite all those bullets, nobody hits a goddamn thing.

After knocking off Bloody Mama Bear and “Babyface” Bear, Goldie will finally square off against the big guy, the Poppa di tutti Poppa, for a bone-cracking duel to the death.

Goldie will get scratched up, of course—she is fighting a bear after all—but she’ll clobber the ursine usurper with a super slow flying spin kick that’ll crack Poppa’s skull like a week-old pumpkin.

The film will close with Goldie and some handsome boy toy having a very happy ending on a bearskin rug.

That’ll be $3 million, please.

8 comments:

Ron said...

"The film will close with Goldie and some handsome boy toy having a very happy ending on a bearskin rug.

That’ll be $3 million, please."

Bwhahahahahahahaha! OMG, your finish on this post, Rob, was FLAWLESS!!!!

Hey, I actually like your idea about this film reboot. And the title is brilliant!

Like you, I'm not always fond of updated or modernized classics. I remember when they where thinking of redoing "Gone With The Wind" and I thought, there is no way in hell they could even come close to what the original was. Some films/stories should be left 'as is.'

Love the cast list of "Jack the Giant Slayer." I'm a huge Stanley Tucci fan!

Grrrreat post, buddy!

Have a wonderful week!

P.S. I'm actually coming to NYC on Wednesday and would love to meet up with you, but I'm going to be so busy with a meeting for work that I won't have time (plus, I know that you'll be at work too). But one of these days, you and I will meet up in my favorite city, okay?

Rob K said...

Hey, Ron, what do you say? I'm so totally with you on the "leave them alone" viewpoint.

Imagine a retooling of GWTW!! Frankly, my dear, I don't want to!

Enjoy your trip to NYC and if you get a few moment, hit me up with an email. I work in the financial district, so if you're in my 'hood, let me know.

Take care, buddy, and have a great week!

Jay at The Depp Effect said...

"In this version, adorable little Goldilocks has been mutated into Goldie, a gun-toting kung fu expert with an obnoxious knack for breaking into houses, a strong hankering for porridge, and a serious case of narcolepsy."

Ahahahahahaha! That line made me laugh out loud! Seriously funny!

You're right, of course. I think it's yet another case of Hollywood arrogance; they simply feel they can do no wrong as long as they sling enough money at it and get some 'names'. But - newsflash - Yes, they can!

And you're also right about the bullets. What's up with that? Bullets zinging right, left and centre, and nobody hits anyone! *Shakes head in disbelief*

Anyway, sorry, but it looks as if you'll have to wait for your $3 million. I know I'm a bit short this week.

Rob K said...

Hey, Jay, no worries about the 3 mill. You can pay me in an installments. And you're my friend so that interest will be very low.

Take care!

Bijoux said...

Babyface Bear! That's hilarious! I rarely go to movies, just because I like to talk too much to my husband when we go out, plus I have trouble sitting and paying attention for that long. These fairy tale inspired movies have no appeal to me.

Little Red Riding Hood with Jack Nicholson as the wolf might be good, though! How about that dopey Zooey Deschanel as Little Red?

Rob K said...

Hey, Bijoux! Jack Nicholson would make a great wolf--and he woulnd't need any make-up! And I'll take Zooey as Little Red. Hollywood could do worse...

Take care!

Daniel Bullard said...

That would be a classic right from the start.
I can see the reviews now!

If you are looking for a fuzzy and warm story you will be dissappointed. This classic is a "sleeper" that wakes up your senses and with clever action that "feeds" your mind. You might not be able to get to sleep after this movie unless your "bed is just right". Lucy Lu is amazing as Goldie and Robert Di Niro is unforgetable as the Al Capone of the Ursidae family. A must see that guarantees to keep you from hibernating!

Rob K said...

Great ad copy! And what fabulous casting suggestions! I'm sure Lucy Lui would look great as a blond.

And who else but DeNiro to blame the big bear.

The Al Capone of the Ursidae family--brilliant!!!