Monday, September 01, 2008

Eating the Moose

When I was a kid, if we really didn’t like something, we would say it “eats the moose.”

If we were really mad—and our parents weren’t around—we would say that the offending object, person, or condition, “sucked moose cock.”

That was a real biggie, a sign that you truly disliked whatever you were talking about. I'm not sure why the poor moose's genitalia was singled out from all of the animals in creation.

Why not the armadillo or the rhinoceros or the anteater or any number of nature's lulus? I can't say, but whatever the reason, the moose's equipment got tagged as the lowest of the low.

As I keep learning more about Sarah Palin, John “Did-I-Mention-That-I’m-A-Former-POW?” McCain, those expressions have come screaming back to my mind from across the decades.

Let me get this straight: if the Republicans get their way, this woman—an anti-abortion, Jesus freaking-Creationist cretin—is going to be a heart beat away from the White House? Is that what they're telling us?

Here’s a woman who literally eats the moose in the form of moose burgers. In light of the litany of revelations about Palin, I’m betting that some GOP leaders are employing my old childhood expression in all its ugly variations. And probably coming up with a few new ones.

Just a short time ago, all the loony little neocons were having a collective orgasm over Pistol Packin' Palin. She was a hunter and a maverick; she works next door to Russian and--check this out: she's a woman--the perfect running mate to attract all those disgruntled Hillary voters.

Sure, Palin will bring those Hillary women into the GOP tent--just as long as they all drop acid or get kicked in the head by a moose en masse, or en moose.

It turns out Pailin is a woman who says “God” more often the Pope during midnight mass, but can’t teach her daughter “family values.”

This a favorite expression amongst Republicans, by the way, who direct it at Democrats and anybody else who gets in the way, but never at that person in the mirror.

The result of Palin's parenting is that kid is knocked up at 17 and will have to get married. She's like Juno...in Juneau. Juneau what I mean? (I kill me.)

"Our beautiful daughter Bristol came to us with news that as parents we knew would make her grow up faster than we had ever planned," the stunned mom and pop lied, "We're proud of Bristol's decision to have her baby and even prouder to become grandparents."

Oh, I'm sure you're just tickled pink...or is that moose blood on your cheeks?

Palin is on record as saying she would not approve of abortion even if her own daughter had been impregnated by a rapist.

The age of consent is 16 in Alaska, so depending upon when her daughter got pregnant, the child may really be the victim of a rape, albeit the statutory kind.

I had the distinct displeasure of hearing part of Palin’s inaugural speech when she became governor on Saturday where she dropped God's name so many times I thought they were on the same bowling team.

But she also got in the standard Republican rhetoric about not expecting the government to do everything for you.

Really? Try telling that to Halliburton. They’re getting all kind of government handouts.

It doesn’t matter that the overcharge the government or electrocute our soldiers in poorly constructed showers—Support our troops! Support our troops!—they get still those checks from Uncle Sam as regular as you please.

There’s nothing I enjoy more than being lectured to by some right-wing “Christian” crackpot who gnaws on Bullwinkle’s entrails like it's mom's apple pie.

Hey, all you Creationists, if you want to inflict your views on public school kids, then how about we sane folks get to teach the theory of evolution at church during Sunday services?

Maybe you idiots will finally learn what Darwin really said, as opposed to the crap you all fabricate in your tiny brains.

I happen to be a Christian who believes in evolution. There is no contradiction here. My religion is a code of conduct, not a club to smack down anything that I don't like or understand.

I'm just dreaming of the day when a reporter asks a candidate about his or her religion and he or she responds with a resounding "none of your goddamn business!"

And while we're at it, what are we supposed to do with all these babies if you anti-abortionists get your way?

Republicans foam at the mouth at the very mention of social programs and screech about "welfare queens in Cadillacs," like that brain-dead idiot Ronald Reagan. So who will feed, educate, and house all these fetuses once they are born? Or did you even think that far ahead?

It seems to me that if you're all so "pro-life," you should have been out there protesting George Bush's phony war from the get-go. Only you kind of...weren't.

The latest news on Palin is that she directed fundraising for the indicted Ted Stevens’ 527, that she just hired a lawyer to handle her little “Troopergate” problem, and that she hasn't “really focused much on the war in Iraq.”

Now The Huffington Post is reporting that Palin's pastor "questioned whether people who voted for Sen. John Kerry in 2004 would be accepted to heaven" and said anyone who criticized Bush during the Katrina fiasco would be going to hell.

All aboard the Nutbag Express! Next stop, Juneau, Alaska!

Boy, John “I-Spent-Five-years-in-the-Hanoi-Hilton-But-I-Don’t-Like-To-Talk-About-It” McCain really knows how to pick 'em.

Maybe McCain should offer the VP slot to Bullwinkle. Provided Palin hasn’t wolfed the poor guy down yet.

6 comments:

Marsha said...

You know, I've read your posts for a long while now, and for the most part, kept my opinions to myself. It is your blog, after all and you have the right to voice your opinion even if I totally disagree.

I try to not get mad at the things you say that offend me but this time I have to speak my mind. And I might add, it is the last time I will visit your site. You bring me down. You're very depressing.

After you called that woman a "Jesus freaking-Creationist cretin" it set my blood boiling. For someone who has his life so together, you sure do like to rip others apart.

The bible says "Be angry and sin not" so even though the sinner in me wants to rip you a new one, I'll stop at this... I will continue to pray for you because to be honest, I see you 20-30 years from now, just as bitter and angry at the world as you are now. I felt sorry for you but now I only feel disgust. It seems you enjoy wallowing in your misery.

If you spent as much time working on fixing your problems as you do writing about them, your life just might change for the better.

In the end, you will see that Jesus is what it was all about. You can use your poisonous words to cut us Christians down, but one day Rob, you will stand before God and answer to Him. You will be asked this...

"What have you done with my Son?"

I sure hope you have a good answer. It will decide where you spend eternity.

Oh and by the way, "All have sinnned and come short of the glory of God." That includes you, me AND Bristol Palin. She made a mistake. That doesn't mean she has to make another one by MURDERING her baby. I say HURRAY for her!

Goodbye and Good luck.

Rob K said...

Marsha,

I regret that this is your last visit to my blog.

It is a shame that you cannot tolerate other people's opinions, but, I'm sorry to say, it isn't very surprising.

For the last 8 years this country has been in the grips of a right wing religious cult who have perveted the teachings of Jesus Christ in such a mind-numbing way it's hard for me to keep my lunch down.

What is this "us Christians" crap? I, too, am a Christian and I fed up with these sanctimonious losers using the word of God like a machete.

They have used Christianity to justify war, abusing the environment and giving tax cuts to the rich for God's sake.

This crackpot crew has wrapped themselves in the flag and glommed on to the Bible like they are both their personal property.

Well, they're dead wrong. They don't own that flag and they don't own that Bible.

I am disappointed that you are not calling out these charlatans for the liars and cowards they are.

I said absolutley nothing about Bristol Palin--I spoke of her idiot of a mother who voted against sex education for teenagers and who has about as much business being Vice President of the United States as I do being the Archbishop of Canterbury.

I am truly sorry that I have offended you, as that was not my goal.

But I am furious how a handful of religious zealots have manipulated these beautiful teachings for their own twisted purposes.

Like me, they, too, will stand before God. And I wonder just how they'll answer that most important question.

I am grateful for having "known" you, at least through the internet and I am more than grateful for your prayers.

And I'll pray for you, too, assuming the Good Lord will take my calls.

But you have to look at the direction that this country is heading, you must be able to recognize the false prophets that are polluting the airwaves and the radio stations.

These people claim they speak for Jesus, but they are liars--they are politicians using the Bible for their own selfish ends.

And I find it most disheartening that you can't recognize that.

Farewell, God bless.

My blog door is always open and you will always be free to express any opinions you want.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to update my resume. I hear the Archbishop of Canterbury may be resigning...

Calamity Jen said...

I appreciated your post very much -- and I admire your reply to Marsha who, sadly, couldn't figure out that you weren't using the word "Christian" as an insult. You claim to have difficulty controlling your temper but your response to her undeserved personal attack was very thoughtful and restrained. (I might have referred to moose cock if I had been in your place.)

Rob K said...

Thank you, Jen. I would be a liar if I said I wasn't upset by this.

Marsha has been very supportive over the years (as have you) and it bothers that we parted on such a sour note.

But I cannot abide these "Christian" mullahs taking over my country. Creationism doesn't not belong in the classroom--period. Nor does prayer or monuments to the 10 Commandments, "intelligent" design or any of these other clearly religious concepts.

The founding fathers here stressed the importance of the separation of church and state and yet those so quick to wave the flag seem so clueless on this most basic issue.

Marsha and I were bound to have a parting of the ways. I mean, she had a link to James Dobson (!) on her blog, for God's sake, a truly revolting individual.

I'm glad I still have you on my side. And how do you think I would look in that Archbishop's hat?

Mrs. Motley said...

Had to pop in and let you know that I'm on your side here, too. I mean, duh. So you called Sarah Palin a name and made fun of her - this is politics! If Marsha's blood is boiling now, she's got a long two months in front of her.

You might as well relax though, Rob - I've already got champagne chilling for the election night celebration. We're gonna take this one - Obama, landslide! It's SO happening.

Rob K said...

Thanks! And I do hope you're right.

Americans have a history of putting their brains in the backseat during election time, so let's keep on fingers crossed on this one.

Can't wait to taste that Champagne.