Wednesday, September 19, 2007

"Don't Tase Me, Bro!"

Okay, so last night I watch the video of the guy getting zapped by cops while ranting at John Kerry.

“Don’t Tase Me, Bro!” he shouts for all of You Tube to hear.

I think I hear a country song title happening here. You know, some juke box lament about a guy being zapped by his ex-wife’s lover.

The guy could be just trying to sneak a peek at his ex-love when the boyfriend comes up from behind and lights him up like a Christmas tree.

Don’t tase me, bro,” our hero could wail, “I only wanted to see her one last time…

Hey, I like the sound of that. Somebody get me a banjo.

Remember that famous Beatles’ song, “Tase, Tase Me and I’ll Tase You”? No? Maybe I’ve got the title wrong. It sure sounds like a lot of my relationships.

If nothing else, we could at least get a t-shirt out of that phrase, printed in jittery letters to make it feel like you’re getting shocked while you read it.

Then I read about an armless artist killing a romantic rival with a head butt.

Yes, you read correctly: an armless artist really did head butt his girlfriend’s ex-lover and now the poor guy is dead.

Sort of makes “Headless Corpse in Topless Bar” look rather tame, doesn’t it?

On the very same web page I read about the bald guy who was arrested for stealing hair replacement products from a store in Ossining, N.Y.

Hey, I feel the guy’s pain, but had I been there I would have shouted, “Don’t do it, bro! This crap costs too much and it doesn’t work anyway!”

At least he had the sense to commit a crime in the home of Sing-Sing Prison, so his ride to the pokey will be relatively short and his tasing is likely to be long.

Perhaps he could share a cell with the screaming loser who called the feds to report that someone stole 31 kilograms of cocaine that he stashed outside a Boy Scout camp in Washington State.

If the cops didn’t tase this guy, they sure as hell should have. Maybe he and the Hairless Avenger can sit behind bars and tase each other all day long.

Take It Up With Consumer Affairs

Should I mention the 50-year-old woman who approached a sheriff's deputy and complained that a drug dealer had just sold her "bad" crack?

Good for you, honey, don’t settle for that lousy stuff; demand the quality crack! This is America, damn it.

Tase away, tase away, tase way Dixie Land…

Then I see that mammoth dung in the arctic is melting due to global warming. Like we don’t have enough crap in this world already, now we’re getting a blast from the scatological past. Some shit.

And, oh, yes, I almost forgot. O.J. is back. Now there’s someone I could tase all the doo-dah day, especially if the Taser is hooked up to the Grand Coulee Dam.

This latest incident is going to stink more than defrosted mammoth dung. A dozen years after being cut loose by a racist jury, this psychotic pig is back in the news.

Lucky us!

I remember an argument I had with a fellow reporter, who happened to be African-American, after O.J. skipped on the double-homicide rap.

Somehow I was a racist for complaining about the verdict. And when I mentioned how domestic violence often leads to murder, this twit—an alleged journalist—had the nerve to argue with me.

I was a cop reporter for five years and most of the murders I covered started with some guy beating the crap out of his wife or girlfriend.

But domestic violence doesn't lead to murder; no, of course not, it leads to peace and harmony…and the occasional tasing.

There was a case in the Scranton-area years ago where a white man was accused of murdering his African-American wife.

Forget about bloody gloves and DNA, the police in this case didn't even have a body. All they had was a detailed account of the murder and disposal of the corpse the husband had written.

He claimed this document was actually a novel and not a blueprint for his wife's demise. Sure thing, big guy.

Did I support that bastard? Did I where a t-shirt calling him my hero? Hell, no. I didn't believe a word the son-of-a-bitch was saying and I was glad when he was convicted. Yes, that's right. He actually went to jail for his crimes. Amazing, no?

The good news is that we won’t have to put up with Johnnie Cochran, scumbag extraordinaire, who had the decency to finally die and leave us alone.

All the tasing in the world won’t bring him back. Maybe they can set up a phone line from Hell so he can listen in. If the glove won't fit...

The war goes on, Bush is still president, mammoth poop is on the rise, and O.J. is back in the news.

All is well, bro. Now excuse me while I go tase myself.


Hair replacement said...

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Rob K said...

Thank you, Hair Replacement, for the big and nice complement.