"Run to the Hummer!"

-
Oh, I can't take it anymore!

These whores, these prostitutes, these strumpets--you get the idea.

What am I talking about? I'm talking about this goddamn stupid job (this is a job?) I have watching TV and making up idiotic trivia questions built around the products placed in the episodes.

Whores!!

I can't just sit on my ass and cheerfully ruin my brain watching this chazzerai, I've got to get a commercial in the process. Eat me!

Cars, computers, fastfood chains, cereal, whatever the hell you can buy, these pricks are selling. It's hard to pick the most outrageous example, but the season finale of "CSI: Miami" with the cadaverous David Caruso was certainly in the top five.

Our hero is trying to rescue some obnoxious little bastard--I think it was Horatio's nephew, but I honestly don't give a rat's ass--and after shooting some extras in the groin, Capt. Caruso shouts to our little innocent snotnose "Run to the Hummer! Run to the Hummer!"

Yes, you sleazeball, and you can run to the bank with your ill-gotten gains. And what the fuck is a dectective doing with a Hummer anyway? I thought these guys were undercover, stealth, plainclothes, not invading Iraq.

Want another example? Well, tough shit, you're going to get it anyway. I'm forced to watch the Jay Blowhole Show and the guest list includes Paris Hilton and her fucking mother and this clown Dog Chapman, a bounty hunter who has this transvestite Geronimo thing going on.

Anyhow, this putz is telling Jay Jawline all about some arrest he made, where his son had to take a picture of a footprint with his--ready--Nextel. Not his camera phone, his Nextel! And that's not in the drama, that's some dusche bag pretending to have a real-life conversation. Oh, yeah, my ass!

When I was growing up I remember when TV shows went out of the way NOT to show product labels, names, etc. That's why we had the commercial break. Now, we got no fucking break. It's all whoring all the time. Bend over and buy something, you schmuck you deserve it.

And when you finally die, we'll put ad stickers all over your casket, like a NASCAR Peckerwood-mobile. And we'll put a McDonald's sign on the back of your tombstone. "After you're done praying over this asshole, go grab yourself a Happy Meal and pretty soon you'll be dead, too."

Let's all to run the Hummer. And then jump in front of the fucking thing...

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Bystander Effect

-
Image
Winston Moseley knew no one would stop him. “I knew they wouldn't do anything,” he told police after his arrest. “They never do.” Moseley murdered Kitty Genovese in Queens in 1964 in one of the most infamous murder cases in modern times. The horrific crime gained worldwide attention largely because of a New York Times article that said “38 respectable, law-abiding citizens” did nothing while Moseley attacked Kitty Genovese on three separate occasions. The story sparked worldwide condemnation and provided material for writers and composers, including the Phil Ochs song “ Outside of a Small Circle Friends .” There was talk of the Bystander Effect or the Genovese Effect and the words “I didn’t want to get involved” summed up life in the big city. The Kitty Genovese case is the subject of a new documentary called The Witness that explores the mythology surrounding the murder. The film features Kitty’s brother, Bill, who was 16 years old at the time of his sister’s murder. ...
Read more

‘Permanently Closed’

-
Image
And, so, another local landmark is gone. My sister and I passed by O’Sullivan’s Bar & Grill in Bay Ridge last night during our after-dinner walk and saw nothing but darkness. There were no lights shining from this old Irish saloon that the O’Sullivan family took over in 1934. There were no customers outside taking a cigarette break on Third Avenue; no voices, music or laughter emenating from the corner business on 89th Street. A dark bar on a Saturday night only means one thing, but I didn’t want to accept the grim reality. I had to walk up to the front door, grab hold of the handle and pull back. But the place was locked up tight. This morning I jumped on the Internet in hopes of learning that the owners were on vacation, or that they were renovating the place and would be reopening in grand style any day now. But the bar’s Yelp page was branded with two grisly words at the top: “Permanently Closed.” I’ve been searching around local message boards for any ind...
Read more

Renew Year

-
Image
In retail, they call it “a soft opening.” New restaurants usually debut with a grand opening, as they announce their presence with all kinds of fanfare and hoopla. On the other hand, a soft opening involves working with a limited number of customers, so the owners have a chance to try out their menu on real people. I’ve taking that second approach for the New Year. Rather than waiting for the ball to come down in Times Square at midnight, I’ve been implementing—or trying to—some of my resolutions ahead of all the noise and confetti. I like this plan, but inner saboteur, as usual, is getting in the way of things. This morning I woke up with a bad case of the New Year’s heebie-jeebies, where I’m convinced that I’m not changing fast enough, and I go into emotional vapor lock. This usually starts in the first week of the year, but I guess my shadow self doesn’t feel like waiting. So, I’ve decided I’m going to ease into 2024. I’ll work on the stuff that needs fixing, but I’m...
Read more