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Breathing Underwater

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“You may leave this life at any moment: have this possibility in your mind in all that you do or say or think.” — Marcus Aurelius One night, many years ago, when I young and foolish, I got seriously drunk and became violently ill. As I hovered unsteadily over the toilet puking my guts out, my brother, Peter, stood right behind me and coached me through this intestinal nightmare. “Breathe through your nose,” he said quietly. “Breathe through your nose.” It was good advice, and I find myself employing it now, eight days after Peter’s death, when the grief becomes too much for me to handle. I turned 68 years old on Saturday, and I had gotten used to getting his phone call each year wishing me a happy birthday. Such a strange time, when I get both a birthday card and a sympathy card in the same day’s mail from my Aunt Sara, who became a widow in January when my Uncle Joe died. Talking about Peter is the past tense is eerie. I pray each morning that my parents will rest in...
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Hey, Dude

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“A brother is a gift to the heart, a friend to the spirit.” -- Unknown I keep waiting for my brother to call me for one our nearly daily chats, but the phone isn’t ringing. Peter, two years my senior, would call from his job or on his evening commute, or on his way to Tai Chi class. He’d always start off with his greeting: “Hey, dude, how’s it going?” and then we’d talk about movies, TV shows and politics—especially politics. I hadn’t spoken to him in a few days and so I fully expected to hear from him on Saturday morning. When the phone did ring, it was his daughter, my niece, Kristin, calling to tell me that my brother had died. He was about a month away from his 70th birthday. The details are slim. He had been complaining about his blood pressure earlier in the week, but it seemed to be getting better. Then on Saturday morning my sister-in-law found him in bed unresponsive and called an ambulance, but there was nothing they could do. I still can’t believe he’s gone, ...
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Young Warrior

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My father was the master of the backhanded compliment. He had a hard time saying something nice and often got a little dig in there just to keep you on your toes. One of my dad’s favorite wisecracks was “you made a mistake and did the right think.” The implication is that you since screw up most of the time, when you finally do something right, it’s a fluke. I thought of that phrase today to describe something that happened at my gym, only in a slightly different context. Okay, so three days a week I hike up to Harbor Fitness Go on 87th Street for my morning torture sessions. I start off with the strength training, which includes a couple of turns on a long stretch of astroturf with the weight sled. It’s just what it sounds like—a sled where you stack barbell plates and push or pull it (ideally both) along a flat surface. And, of course, if you look on YouTube you’ll find tons of variations. Weight sleds were initially designed for specific sports, like football, an...
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Watching Clouds Drifting By

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Go all the way with it. Do not back off. For once, go all the way with the goddamn way with what matters. ” – Ernest Hemmingway . The 1918 Broadway Oh, Look! featured a song “I’m Always Chasing Rainbows." The music is credited to Harry Carroll, but the melody is adapted from Fantaisie-Impromptu by Frédéric Chopin. The lyrics were written by Joseph McCarthy, and the song was published in 1917. The first version I heard was by Tony Bennett, but it’s been recorded by Judy Garland, Petula Clark, Frank Sinatra and so many others. Bennett starts things off by asking the musical question, “why have I always been a failure?” “I’m always chasing rainbows,” the song goes, “watching clouds drifting by. My schemes are like my dreams, always ending up in the sky.” The song ends with the singer talking about “waiting to find a little bluebird in vain.” I’ve been spending far too time lately rewriting history lately—even more so than usual—and this tune is starting to feel like the...
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Norwegian Blue

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In 2016, a survey of 2,000 Britons named "The Dead Parrot" as the U.K.’s favorite Monty Python sketch. I live in Brooklyn, so naturally I wasn’t included in this survey, but The Dead Parrot is certainly one of my favorite routines by the iconic comedy troupe. The bit, which debuted on Dec. 7, 1969, tells the uproariously deranged story of a disgruntled customer (John Cleese) attempting to return a parrot that turned out to be deceased. The sketch has a ton of funny lines as Cleese haggles with the shifty pet shop owner (Michael Palin), including a lengthy list of euphemisms for death ending with “this is an EX-PARROT!”--but I’ve been focusing on the routine’s opening lines as Cleese enters the store. “Excuse me, Miss,” he says to obviously male shop owner. “What do you mean ‘Miss’?” Palin indignantly responds. “I’m sorry,” Cleese says after taking a second look. “I have a cold.” I know the feeling. I'm finally showing some signs of health after nearly tw...
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The Unicorn Dream

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We had quite a year in 2019. There were flying cars and colonies on other planets. Our cities were sprawling, overcrowded places dominated by monstrous buildings that put the pyramids to shame. And did I mention the replicants? This was 2019 was supposed to look like back in 1982, when Ridley Scott made the science fiction epic Blade Runner with Harrison Ford and Rutger Hauer. I saw the movie in a theater all those years ago, and I recall being stunned at the film’s opening shot of Los Angeles of November 2019, with airborne autos zipping through the smog and massive towers igniting the sky with sheets of flame. At the time I considered myself a sophisticated film lover who would never be bowled over by mere special effects. But Blade Runner rocked my world as I sat there gaping in disbelief at this incredible scene. I’ve been suffering through most of Easter Week with a hideous cold—we’ve rescheduled our holiday dinner until next Saturday—so I decided to drown my mise...
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The Final Curtain

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On February 25, 1987, history was made. I’m not talking about how astronomers witnessed Supernova 1987A, the first supernova visible to the naked eye since 1604, although I am referring to a big star. No, this day marked Frank Sinatra’s last full character acting project when he appeared in an episode of Magnum P.I . as Michael Doheny, a retired New York police officer. Sinatra had starred in over 40 movies in his career, including such classics as Guys and Dolls, From Here to Eternity, The Manchurian Candidate —my personal favorite—and The Man with the Golden Arm , for which he won the Academy Award. One of my earliest memories of O’ Blue Eyes dates back to 1965 when my family went to see Von Ryan’s Express at the Casino Theatre in Mount Pocono, PA, where we were vacationing. Sinatra played an American POW who leads a prison break during World War II, and my father—who had fought in Europe—was less than thrilled about seeing someone who had avoided combat in the real world ...
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